Tainted

19

~Sebastian~

She fell asleep in my arms and I tried to follow suit but I just couldn't. So, I laid and watched her face contort in her sleep. I traced my fingers over her face, played with her hair and accepted that things weren't going to be easy. It wasn't going to be easy helping her fix herself. But hell, if I wasn't up for it. I'd moved too quickly. I knew that now. But she poured her heart out to me about her brother and then sat there and told me the one thing no one had ever told me.

I'd been told I would amount to great things. That I would have everything I ever wanted. I've been given compliments that fall into every single category in existence. But no one, not even my parents, ever said that I give them peace. I wasn't made to be peaceful. I wasn't made for gentle waves or easy sailing. I was made for tsunamis and storms that destroy everything.

I didn't want to destroy Pip. She was already destroyed. She didn't trust anything. Everywhere she went she was waiting to make the wrong move and be punished. She could barely get the damn safe word out and I could see it on her face she was terrified of what I'd do if she used it. She was so used to the routine of break the rules and be punished. I didn't want to punish her. Not for being herself. Not for speaking what she wanted or taking what she needed. Not if it wasn't something she wanted anyway.

I promised her that if this doesn't work with us she could see other people. I didn't want that. The thought of anyone else laying with her like this, trusting someone else with my wife was making me unequivocally angry. Selfishly, I don't want to share her. I don't want another person's hands on her when I know how badly they've hurt her already. I won't. I know I won't hurt her. It would ruin me.

She stirs in her sleep and I stop moving, stop breathing, stop thinking. She gasps for air, sits up bolt upright in a panic.

"Pip-" She snaps her head around quickly. "You're okay. Lay back down." I tug at my shirt covering her body and she slowly came to settle back down on the pillow.

"You're still here." Her voice cracked and I went back to tracing the shapes on the side of her face. She's exhausted. Eyes are heavy but she's fighting it. I really wish she'd stop fighting. I'll take care of everything.

"You said you wanted me to stay." I kept my voice low enough to not break the peace of the room. "Go back to sleep." She shook her head. "Why not?"

"I can't."

"You haven't tried."

"I don't have my bear so I won't be able to." I narrowed my eyes at her for a second. "I didn't- I didn't know we weren't going home so I packed it with everything else."

"A teddy?" She nods. My wife sleeps with a teddy and it's the cutest thing I've ever heard in my entire damn life. "Okay." I kiss her head and she sighs as I tug back the duvet, slipping myself out. I pull my pants back on and finally close the patio doors that have been making this room horribly cold.

"Where are you going?

"If you're not going to sleep Pip I'm going to try a tire you out."

"Oh."

"Not like that." I bent down at the bedside. "We've done enough. I shouldn't have taken it that far that quickly. I'm sorry."

"I didn't mind it."

"You didn't?"

"No." A faint smile tugged at her lips as she reached her hand across the gap, swiping her thumb across my bottom lip. "I was enjoying it. The sound just- it was too much." I kissed the pad of her thumb and she smiled. So much brighter. For a second before it vanished again. "You're not mad?"