Easter

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Easter

Santa Ana, Calif. -An elderly women doused her wheelchair bound, cancer-stricken husband with rubbing alcohol and set him on fire because he ate her chocolate Easter bunny.

                                                                                     -Vancouver Sun

Him, my husband, that devil, a pitchfork under his teeth, a whole smelly Hell in his mouth.  Wheeling his chair naughty into the kitchen where for thousands of years I have cooked his meals, the bedroom where for six hundred and sixty-six lifetimes I have frozen under his thick needs. 

     I have no hiding spots left.

     No sugar.  In all of this house, no Wunderbar, no Smarties, no Aero.  Oh, the chocolate, bubbling in the tarnation of his gullet.  The smell and colour of our marriage, his cancer yellow, my treats in his gut a deep violet like the underside of flame.  And oh, the stink, the sickly sweet smell of putrefaction.

   Alive, I am, perfectly, while that old doze oozes from room to room on the rubber wheels of his disease.  Mama, Mama, he cries, give me chocolate!  My bars are under the floorboards or sunk deep in the freezer chest or tucked up in the shell of a light fixture but he is intrepid, that old man who wafts, he finds them, fast and slippery out of his chair when I am gone.  One more time, one more extension of that dying limb into my candy. 

     Oh holy.  This time of year I can see Jesus knocked out every time my husband's foul mouth parts; Jesus lying on the lawn while white bunnies clipper over the triad of his body.  While inside our walls my sneaky husband steals what belongs only to me and will not stop.  I hate him every second.  Mommy! he cries.

     How I have put up.  Fifty-one years this next June and every day that husband, exudate slipping from every crevice in him.  Out.  Out and in.  Look what he takes in, year after year, how I feed him, the animal, the greedy pig, the endless mornings of bacon fat, the noons and nights of beef.  In and out until now the aureate smell of cancer and diapers, the slit devil's eyes he casts upon me.  Fire in his grasping, insatiate mouth, sparks on the steel of his wheelchair.

     And Jesus on the lawn almost dead. 

     In the pharmacy I pick out a bunny for God, the biggest one.  Dear inside her cellophane box, she wears candy pink ribbons, a yellow candy nose.  She is so pretty, so sweet with her brown ears, her woven basket of tiny blue eggs in her paw.  I love her enormously.  And it is spring.  I pick up a large bottle of rubbing alcohol; I have two more at home.  Jesus will rise when he sees.  Won't Jesus walk?  Our front door like the stones of his crypt and he will walk inside with frolicking white rabbits, so pleased with me.  I count out change, doling the mean pennies of my husband's pension to buy this tender body of God, the host, the blood.  Then it is all mine.  She is, my own chocolate Easter bunny clutched to my chest in benediction.

     (Oh snaily husband, oh mincemeat, ruin, thing of nightmare, how you deplete me.  Every breath is an agony as if cancer is the air and you are the bellows of my lungs, pushing your misery into me.  We'll just see.  I'll kneel in the flowerbeds this afternoon, weeding, tending, while Jesus's breath rasps and the daffodils nod their Eastery heads.  I'll set hamburger to thaw.  We'll just see, husband, won't we?)

     Up the concrete path, up the three steps, turn the key.  I call out, Darling, I'm home!  I lie him tenderly out on the bed and change his malodorous wrappings, wash his wasted skin.  

What a credit to womanhood I am, in Jesus's eye.  I cook his lunch like a slave.  Oh petunia, oh hunchback, what can I get for you, what would your pebble heart most desire?  He eats the soup and I think, Once he was young and did not have inoperable cancer and a tremulant, skinny, loose-fleshed arm and I have grown old.  If there is redemption, later I will be young and unmarried, a girl with limbs as smooth as satin.

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