what is love? 💔

Part 1

TW!: eating disorder, bullying

My alarm went off, at 8:00 in the morning, on a Sunday... 'Get out of bed, Grace!', my mother shouted. 'Yeah, I'm there!', I looked at my phone, one text message. Morning cutie x. I texted back, how are you already awake, quite early for you 😉. Just to see you at church xx. Do you go to church? Yup, now I am. See you, love. Later xxx. Oh my gosh! Mike is so cute... I got dressed up in excitement.

'Woah, you got up quickly!', I nodded at her. 'Don't underestimate me, mother' 'You never do that, with that speed...', she looked at me, a bit confused, but also annoyed. 'Mike is coming to church too' 'So, that is the case...', my mom said, annoyed. She actually disagrees with my relationship. My mother found out that I was dating by accident because I didn't want her to know that... Now, she hates me & Mike, great. So, he never comes over, and that kind of stuff. 'Are you still gonna make breakfast? I'm not going to prepare it again', she said. 'Uhm... I think I'm gonna eat after', I said to her, and she looked annoyed, again. 'Well, let's keep going then! We still have to drive', we walked to the door. I walked to the car and got in the front passenger seat. 'No, you sit in the back!', my mom said. 'Why?' 'Do not talk back to me!', I didn't even want to talk to her anymore. The trip to the church was very silent.

When we were finally there, Mike was already waiting for me. 'Mike! I'm so glad you-' 'Grace, get back here!', my mom shouted. I didn't even doubt about it and stood still there, with Mike. My mother walked to me and grabbed my arm. 'You are grounded!', she looked furious. 'Why can't I just live my teenage life? I'm just 15 years old!' 'Yes, you are way too young to have a boyfriend already!', we walked into the church. 'Margaret! Can you please help us out? We just need your advice for one thing', my mother nodded and walked to the men. Mike walked in. 'Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry about my mom! She just doesn't like us...', I said to Mike. 'It's fine, I just-', he looked over. 'Hey Mike! ', a girl said. 'Yeah, sup', Mike tried to be cool.'Hi Grace!', she said, smiling. 'Hi.', I said. 'Hey, let's just go...', Mike whispered. 'No! No need for that'. Ashley was about to say something, but then. 'Please, everyone get seated, and remain silent!', the pastor said. I sat down next to Mike, who clearly didn't want to talk about the situation, that just happened. 'Mike, Mike! Who is she really?', I whispered, softly. 'She is just a friend...', he whispered back. 'Do you also tell her, that I'm "just a friend"?' 'No!', some people looked at us. 'No...you are my only, girlfriend', he whispered at me. He put his arm around me. I looked at my mom, who looked back at me, furious. The pastor moved on with his story, and then we started to pray. 'How do I pray?', Mike whispered. 'You kinda talk to god in your mind, and wish for things you want to happen', I said softly. I started praying: hello god, I don't know why I am here again...I just want to live my life, so I'm sorry, but I don't-I don't believe in you anymore. I opened my eyes. Everyone was still praying, I let go of Mike's hand. 'Is it over?', he said softly. 'No...but for me it is', I said to him. 'Can I come too?' 'Yeah, for sure', we slowly walked out of the church. The door slammed, and people were looking at it. My mother looked at the empty seats and got very annoyed. The service continued.

'Oh my gosh, let's go away from this place!', we ran away, holding hands. 'Should we eat something?', he asked. 'No, I'm still full from breakfast...', I replied. We went to the city center and did some shopping. We had so much fun, I will never forget that. 'Should I drive you home?', Mike asked. 'Uhm...no! You don't even have your driver's license!' 'Well, I am taking lessons already!' 'So, if you could, we wouldn't even have a car!', I looked at him. He smiled at me and then looked away. 'It's gonna be the bus then!', I nodded, and we walked to the closest station. When the bus finally arrived, we sat down and talked, like we already forgot the situation that happened at church. 'So, about Ashley, why did you act like that?', I asked. 'I- I don't know... did I act different?', he started to blush a bit. I took a deep breath and spat it out. 'Do you like Ashley?', I asked him. He had to think about it. 'I- I don't want to hurt you...', he said, nervously. 'But, yes, I do- do like her', I got tears in my eyes, and I didn't look at him for a second. 'This is me, see you at school, I guess...', I got off the bus, and walked home. How could Mike do this to me? With a girl from our friend group?

I got inside, and my mom noticed me. 'Are you serious?', she shouted at me. 'Where have you been?! With your little boyfriend? You can't leave church like that!', I wanted to go upstairs, but mom stopped me. 'I don't believe in god anymore!' 'What?! Are you serious? Is it because your boyfriend doesn't!', she said, like she was about to explode. 'My ex-boyfriend, you mean' 'Well, great, that you finally listened to me' 'but that isn't the reason! I just want to live my life! Without this stupid prayer group! It is just so toxic', I shouted at my mom. 'YOU are the only one who is toxic!', my mom said. 'I don't think so, because you are just making my life more miserable!' 'GO TO YOUR ROOM!', my mom shouted. 'Fine', I walked upstairs and got in my bed. This was the worst and best day ever. I sneaked out of the church and left my religion behind, but I also broke up with Mike and I had a fight with Mom...A tear came out of my eye, I don't know if it was a happy or sad tear. Probably a sad one. I got under my blanket, and it just came all out. I'm just 15 years old! Let me just live, for once. I heard the door slam. Did Mom leave? Where was she going? I had literally no idea where she went. I walked downstairs, to check if there was a note or anything she left me behind, but there wasn't. I sat down on the couch and watched one of my favorite series, Never Have I Ever. The main character was also going through a heartbreak, so I didn't feel that alone anymore. I grabbed some snacks, which was pretty much my dinner. I felt guilty that I had eaten all that food.  I went upstairs and got ready for bed. There was still no sign of mom...

I checked my phone, one text message. Hey Grace, I'm soo sorry 😞 about what happened. Hey, it's okay, Mike 🙃! I'm sorry 😣. Not your fault that you are in love again, go ask her out or something! Are you okay? Yup x. Oh my gosh! Of course, I'm not okay! Why did I say that? Wait, go ask her on a date? WHY DID I SAY THAT?! GUESS WHAT! What, Mike? She likes me back! So, this is the end of us? Yeah, sorry... 😞. No, it's okay 👍. see you cutie x 😉. Later x. Mike is better for someone else...Oh, almost forgot weight time... 37.8kg, what the heck! That's so high... I started to feel guilty. I now had to let it out. I sat down at the toilet, two fingers, down the throat...Ewww. Well, at least it worked. I brushed my teeth and got straight into bed. I stared at the ceiling, where on earth was my mom? All these thoughts started to run through my head, why didn't Mike like me anymore? How am I so fat? These thoughts got me exhausted, and I fell asleep.