Soulmates

[Woosan] 006

San 

I thought I had given him everything he wanted...I shouldn't have expected anything in return. I should've just been grateful for what I received in the first place.

I had gotten closer with Wooyoung more than I ever had in the years I had known him. But it didn't feel good even now.

He had said it was everything he had ever wanted. 

Does that mean he didn't want any more?

Was he done with me now that he had got what he wanted?

I had to change my clothes and take a shower after I realized I came in my pants without even touching myself.

Getting Woo off was all I needed to push me into my release. 

I still didn't feel good.

I could've done anything but instead I chose to have him use me as hard as he wanted. And he did. My throat was in so much pain that it hurt to even swallow.

I had given him what he wanted...so why did he kick me out?

I knew I shouldn't even be upset, there was no deal. There wasn't one time that I told him if I did this it meant I could touch him, kiss him, cuddle him, love him in the way I wanted.

I wasn't ace...I knew that. I was into him, I did want to fuck him. But that desire wasn't large enough and it was too easily overpowered by the need to love him. 

I still wanted to give him everything I had until I was stripped down with my blood being drained just so he could smile at me like he actually loved me back.

He was the sun and I was too willing to fly close enough to him to touch him, knowing it would burn me and send me crashing back to earth.

I loved him so bad, so why didn't he love me back? 

My mind wandered to Seonghwa and I remembered when he told me how he felt about Hongjoong. How he said he would let him rip his heart out and stomp on it until it was nothing but just dust. How he'd let him tear through his life like a hurricane, watch him as he destroyed everything he cared about, let him ruin him until he was nothing but a corpse...and he'd still thank him for being in his presence. 

I wondered if this was the same feeling. But somehow I envied Seonghwa's love. How he loved him so unconditionally that he knew Hongjoong would never love him back in the same way and he was perfectly content just being close to him. How much I wished the same for myself, so I didn't have to cry and break about how much I wanted someone, who didn't want me. I wish I could just accept that and be willing to love him anyway even if it hurts. Without ever needing anything in return.

I wanted to not care but I did.

And it ripped a hole into my chest.