Minds Eye

Today

I got the closure I needed, and I'm happy for it. It was very painful, and caused me some confusion for about a day, but now that I sit and think about it. It was for the better that I chose to reach out and make things right. It was important to me to be the bigger person so I could move along in my journey.
I texted, I don't have her number anymore, and I wrote a long (paper) letter to her. I wanted to explain my feelings, apologize for my wrong doings and move on. I did those things and now I feel confused about my feelings.
I feel a little depressed that I now have truly fallen in love and it didn't last. I feel happy that I worked up the courage to do this. I am sad that I am alone. I'm happy that she has found someone. I'm sad that she has found someone. I'm sad that we couldn't be friends, or at least work at being friends. I'm happy that she is happy. I'm sad that I'm just ok right now.
Like I said, confusing.
Today I cried a good bit. I resisted self harm. I fought my thoughts of suicide. I prayed to god to keep me in his love and care.
My heart is heavy, it beating really fast for some reason.
I feel very alone. I don't have any friends. I only have an ex who still wants to be together, and who is never going to give up. I have him, but I feel like I still want more. I want other friends.
I think I want to run away. I want to switch schools. I want to be more than ok. I don't want to feel silence.
I want to make myself happy, but I can't let go of my mother. The root of my issues. Of all of my depression. The reason so many leave. I cant ley go of the things she's done. The things she allowed to happen to me. I can never let go.