you proof; aaron judge.

4.

These last couple of weeks were torture. I felt like I wasn't doing my job, I felt like I was putting it on other people and it wasn't fair to them. Things were just difficult, and I was handling it so hard. After games, I would just come home, sulk in my room and drink wine.

I sighed and took a sip of my water before going back to my work. I still had yet to even attempt the video on Aaron, but I wanted to keep my mind off of him as much as I could. I was still so overwhelmed that he decided to just waltz back into my life with no warning. Even if he was drunk.

I let myself do this. I know I shouldn't have. I was doing so good, and allowing myself to get over the relationship. It was hard; We had our future planned out, and even though we weren't engaged, we both knew that we wanted to marry one another. It just happened within the snap of a finger and it was like the relationship never existed. Four years of our lives just thrown away, and I wish for anything to have them back. It's wrong of me to think like that, though. Aaron's happy, he's got a girlfriend, I mean, he says he's happy within the relationship but can you really be happy when your girlfriend is a control freak? I feel sorry for him, honestly. There's so much I wish I could do, but I know I can't without stepping over some boundaries that I've set for myself when it comes to him.

There was so much of me that wanted to comfort him that night he came over. So much of me just wanted to embrace him in my arms and made sure he sobered up safely. But, I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to do that, I wouldn't want him upset or even his girlfriend possibly finding out. She's the whole reason we stopped talking; And he just went with it. As their relationship progresses, I can see Aaron changing as a person. He's not the Aaron I initially fell in love with and loved for so long. He's a whole different person who really doesn't seem like himself when he's around Maddy. I wanted the old Aaron back. I wasn't going to get that back unless he wanted that version of himself back.

one year ago...

"You really are going to listen to your girlfriend and let her dictate how your life is?" I ask Aaron, crossing my arms over my chest.

Aaron just shrugged, "I don't want her to leave me or get mad with me. And if it means we can't talk anymore or even be friends, then so be it."

I just scoff, "I can't believe you would do this, Aaron. This isn't like you..."

"We aren't together anymore, Summer. I can't be continuing to talk to someone that I was in love with for four years if I'm in a new relationship." He responded and his reply broke my heart. I wasn't ready to hear those words come out of his mouth. He had moved on faster than I expected and I wasn't ready to let him go yet.

"Y-you can't just throw this all away because your girlfriend is controlling.." I stammer, starting to shake with anger and sadness. "You can't do this, Aaron...Even though we aren't together, I still need you in my life.."

He sighed, "I'm sorry, Summer. I can't." He says before walking out of my place, leaving me alone to cry, again. It really was over. Just like that....

In the time that Aaron and I have been apart, it's been tough really trying to see the beauty within myself and that self love that apparently I had when I was with Aaron. But, he made me feel like such a confident woman, I didn't even know how to do it on my own. It was just a confusing process for me. I wanted more than anything to love myself again. If I wasn't able to love myself, how was I going to be able to love someone else?

That's the question that always runs through my mind. I can't even love myself, what makes myself think that I'm going to allow myself to love someone else? Someone new? When I am still in love with the one that I'm no longer with?

It's taken a lot for me to admit that, but seeing Aaron come around again made me realize that I still love him. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. It's too hard to just let go of all of that, all of the memories, the love, the passion, everything. I wasn't ready to let go of him and even though he might be in a new relationship, part of me still wishes that he'll come to his senses and realize he made a mistake and come back. He seriously is the only guy that I ever have been in love with.

He was my first everything. Seriously. I don't know if I could ever find a man that loves me as much as Aaron loved me. I don't know how he feels about me, he doesn't want to talk about things like that if they're brought up. He just dodges the bullet, and tries to move on to something new. I wish I knew how he felt, maybe it would give me some closure in how I truly felt about him and coming to terms with everything. My family always asks about him; Asking if I still talk to him or how he's doing. Simple answers to those: No, and I don't know how he's doing. I only see his social media, which he barely posts on. He never posts about Maddy, but when we were together, he posted about me so much. We were truly in love, and it was like we never left the honeymoon phase until it just came crashing down in one instant.

I needed to stay away from him. I needed to seclude myself and not allow myself to go hang out with him because I just end up coming home and crying because I regret my decisions because I know he's not coming home with me at the end of the night. He's going home to someone else, or even just going home alone and that's what hurts me. There are some nights that he's mentioned to me where he just goes back to his apartment because he doesn't want to deal with the arguing and he just finds himself alone in his apartment. That tears me apart, knowing he's alone and upset, and I can't be there to help him.

--

It was another late night for me. I just simply couldn't sleep and I decided to just throw on something boring on YouTube, hoping it would help me fall asleep. Nothing was working, not even a warm cup of milk.

My sister was sound asleep with her boyfriend over when I heard a knock on the door. It was nearing midnight, who could be here? Then I realized...Probably Aaron. Hopefully sober?

I opened the door and see it's Aaron once again, "Are you drunk again?" I ask, unable to smell any alcohol on him.

"No. I just didn't want to be in my apartment alone, and I needed some company..." He replied, his head hung low. He was obviously upset over something.

"Come in. What about your girlfriend? Are you two fighting?" I ask him, shutting the door behind us and walked into the living room, sitting next to him on the couch.

"I try so hard, Summer. So hard, to give that girl love, but it's not genuine." Aaron replies, "She says she loves me, but when I say it back, it's not sincere."

I am honestly shocked by the words that are coming out of his mouth. I hadn't heard him just lay it all out on the table in a long while.

"Are you saying you don't love Maddy?"

"I don't know." Aaron said, looking at me. "And I feel so shitty thinking about it. But, all we do is fight. She doesn't trust me, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. I'm a grown fucking man, and my girlfriend doesn't even trust me to talk to a girl who works for the fucking team I play on." He explains then just shook his head. "I don't even know why I'm over here, you probably don't even care."

"Of course I care, Aaron." I tell him, moving closer to him. "You know I'll always care about what you have to say. I'm just really shocked that all of this is coming out."

He sighed, "It just doesn't feel the same.."

"The same as what?" I question, raising my knees to my chest.

"That love you and I had. I don't think I can have that with anyone else but you.."