Minds Eye

Love So Hard It Hurts

I cried in Dollar General parking lot today.
I sat in the car, and cried, sobbed, became even more confused than I already was.
I thought I saw her today in Dollar General. I thought I saw her hair, her legs, all of her. When I thought I saw her my heart skipped about 50 beats. I couldn't breath and I didn't blink. When I realized it wasn't her, my body felt like dead weight. Like something inside of me that had already died, came back to life and died again only a second later. I felt sick, like the carcass was making its way up my throat in search of the asphalt. I felt so empty, so lonely, so defeated by something that was supposed to make me feel complete.
Now, it's like Love has promised me the world, dangled it on a string in front of my eyes and said to me, "No, this isn't for you,". I feel stupid because I keep begging it to let me have it, but the answer is always the same. I try and tell myself to let go of the hope and the suffering. Eject if from my heart, evict the feelings from my soul, but I can't. The hope and the steady suffering grows like a vine. It coils around my heart so tightly that any other emotions can't get in. They scratch and bite from the outside of me, but anger and confusion keeps them at bae.
At the moment, I have been attempting to protect myself from the romantics. I figured it would help me to get out of that mindset that I need someone to make myself happy. I want to be independent, selfloving, I want to truly be strong. In the beginning I didn't think of how hard it would all be to accept my fear (being alone romantically). I thought it would maybe be a little easy bc I already was. Even in both of my relationships, I felt alone. Mostly because Nither of them understood or accepted me. I believe that was what hurt me, stabbed me so deep while being so in love. It hurt me just as much as loosing them because of who I am. All of it, is what ignited my depression; the already piling of coals. After dealing with this kind of pain, the possibility of of falling so hard again made me sick. So, I promised myself, no more. No more, falling apart in love.
I want it now. I've become so reliant on love that now because of not having it, I feel like I'm dieing. I have to make myself do things now. Get out of bed. Go work out. Go home.
I need love because even though I hate it, I love it more than I love myself.

..........
I wanna love someone else now.