Chapter 9: The Test

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I feel myself shake. The sweat drop. I don't know what to do, or say. I am never prepared for something like this.

"Chloe! Answer me!" Beca said. Her hands still in my arms. I laughed. Tried my best to make it sound real.

I just laughed. Maybe she's joking. She's drunk. She doesn't know what she's saying. I saw the tears in her eyes roll down. I can feel mine about to, but I can't cry. I can't let her know that I love her.

I don't want to ruin her. She's with the perfect guy. "Why are you laughing?! What is this some kind of joke?! Answer me, Chloe!" She's screaming now.

"No." I heard myself say. Why did I say that? I love her.

I watched Beca's hands drop. I watched her sit there and drink her next beer. I watched her tears fall. I watched her breaking. I felt myself breaking too.

"You wanted to know what happened that night. You told me you loved me. You told me you loved me for
3 years. You told me that I was your world. You told me how much it hurts to see me with Jesse. Then you puked on me." Beca said smirking.

"You wanted to know why I love that star so much." Pointing out to the same normal star.

"Out of all stars, that reminded me of you. That star is simple like you, but still beautiful. Everyone can't see your beauty like that star, but I do. You're beautiful."

I hear my heart crack, but I know Beca's was broken already. How can I do that to her. "You're drunk." I told her.

"I maybe drunk, but I know you love me. I also know you'll never tell me." She smiled.

She grabbed my neck and kiss me. I felt her lips into mine. I felt the spark they were talking about. I let the tears fall down. I felt both pain and happiness. I felt everything, and I don't know how is that even possible.

"I love you." She whispered. She then fell asleep instantly. I knew she was drunk. Next morning, we will be back to normal. This was just a dream. She won't remember this tomorrow.

I put the sweater on top of her. I took a bottle of beer and the pack of cigarrete she threw. I wanted to go up the tree. I wanted to forget this night too. I wanted to be able to show myself that my happiness doesn't depend on Beca. Maybe if I can climb this tree on my own it means I can be happy without her.

I climbed it. I fell as the tears in my eyes did. I went up and felt the scratch in my hands. I don't care, that pain can never compete with what I'm feeling inside.

I can't climb this tree. I can't be alone. I will always love Beca. My hand was bleeding, but so what. I drank the bottle of beer, lit the the cigarette and smoked. This isn't the Chloe Beale everyone knows. This isn't the ginger i know.

I drank the the last bottle of beer and lit another cigarette. I felt my eyes shut slowly.

I have to prepare myself now. This isn't the real thing. This is just a test. Beca won't remember this tomorrow. This is just the start.

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