Our World

chapter 7: atlas

chapter 7: atlas

~atlas~

       I look at all choices of candy on the shelf, trying to decide which ones to buy for the movie night Ari and I have planned. We both don't have much assignments this week and neither of us have work tomorrow, so we decided to just do something together to relax.

       Movie nights are what we normally do if we both don't feel like leaving the house, which unfortunately is still often since I'm still partially in the closet. We do still go on dates, but they're normally inconspicuous ones where people wouldn't suspect us being on a date.

        I kind of feel like I'm close to being fully out, but I still need to work up the confidence. I know the first place I want to come out is at school so I don't have to see countless of girls give Ari their phone numbers, and I know my school doesn't tolerate discrimination so if there were any problems, it would be dealt with.

       I put some sour gummy candy and chocolate into my shopping basket, knowing that both Ari and I love sour gummy candy and chocolate as treats. They would be perfect for our movie night tomorrow.

       I turn away from the shelf to leave this aisle and head to another one, but then I see three people I haven't seen in two years at the end of the aisle. They haven't seen me yet so I know I can quickly turn around and leave through the other end, but I can feel myself start to panicking. My heart starts to beat rapidly, feeling like it's about to beat out of my chest.

       Even though I do leave the aisle and quickly go into the next one, I still feel myself panicking. I try to distract myself by continuing to grocery stop now that I am in the chips and pop aisle, but it doesn't work. I can't calm myself down.

       My hands are shaking when I pull my cell phone out of my pocket, immediately calling Ari. His apprenticeship mentor is pretty chill with letting him use the phone while at work, so thankfully, Ari answers right away. "Hey, At. What's up?"

       "I, um..." I can barely get any words out as I try to explain to Ari that my parents and older brother are at the grocery store with me. That they might see me at any second and cause me to panic again.

       "Atlas, what's wrong?" Ari asks. "Are you okay?"

       I still can't tell him exactly what's going on. I was hoping that hearing his voice would be enough to calm me down, but it's not. And I don't know if I'll be able to calm down enough to continue grocery shopping.

       "Do you need me to go to you?" Ari asks, knowing well enough that it's hard for me to talk whenever I'm having a panic attack.

       I can't even get the words out to tell him that I want him to come here even though I know he's at work now, but once again, Ari knows me well enough to know what it is that I want.

       "Can you at least tell me where you are?" Ari asks. 

       As hard as it is, I know that if I want Ari to come here, I need to tell him. It takes some time, but I am able to say, "Gro-grocery store."

       "Okay, that's close to my work. I'll see if my mentor will let me take an early break to get you." Ari doesn't hang up the call and instead pulls his phone away while he talks to his mentor.

       And it's that moment right there, the one moment I needed him to be directly on the call with me, that the worst case scenario happens. I hear someone say, "Atlas?"  and despite not hearing the voice in two years, I know exactly who it is.

       My mind tells me not to look, but my body moves on its own as my heard turns to see my mom, dad, and older brother standing there, looking a bit shocked. I already know this conversation is going to go downhill since neither of them ever reached out to me in the two years.