Chapter 1: Dare to be Different

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I walked in my front door, I was more than thankful that today was the last day of school. I'm exhausted.

The school year has been so rough on me. And every time that I would plead for mercy it just seemed to get worse. The bullies, the gossip, the drama, and the judgment. School used to be a fun place where I could hang out with my friends. But lately I feel like I'm losing my friends. It's as if they are being plucked away like birds of a feather

After dad died the house seemed more empty and alone. I know he died six months ago but ever since then when I walk inside my own home I do not feel welcome. I feel as if the owner of the house is gone and I'm trespassing inside of private property.

When I was sad I would always go to my dad. I know that sounds horribly weird. I know most girls go to their mom for advice. And trust me I do go to my mom for advice but, I mean advice about my period or anything girlish and embarrassing. But with my dad, I was just like him, I looked just like him, I have the same exact attitude as him, he was just easier to relate to. His hugs and his laugh was the most welcoming thing ever. And lately just not having him around really messed me up you know?

Now, when I get sad or upset I'm stuck like that. Everything lately is just bottled up inside. My mom even has been noticing. For a while now she has been trying her best to fix me, I guess that's what you can call it. She's been buying me journals and taking me out to dinner and asking if I needed to talk to her or if I needed to share things. I desperately want to share things with her but every time I try it's as if my brain goes on lockdown. It's hard to talk and all I want to do is cry. Cry for days.

So all I do is simply shake my head and say "Mom I'm okay I'm just a little tired." but she must think I'm horribly tired all the freaking time. And I think she's becoming impatient with me. Because now she does not take the same old excuse and now I have to come up with new ones. And even when I say a different one she knows it's a lie. Now she tells me "You're lying. You're my own kid I made you I know everything about you. I know when you are lying."

I'm just so tired. You ever know the feeling of being mentally exhausted? That's me all the time. And then to make things worse all of my friends have been noticing it too. They constantly ask me what's wrong or what's the matter, and I always tell them it's nothing I'm fine.

I constantly feel like the odd one out all the time. I feel like I can't relate to them as much as I used to. All of them are so happy with their lives, and with their boyfriends, and everything. They are happy all the time. And I'm so jealous of them. I want to be happy too, I don't want to feel so alone. But I do. And I try to act normal, I try so fucking hard. But I just can't all the time. And I constantly apologize for that.

But they don't care. All of them slowly started to drift away from me. That's why I'm so happy school is done.

"Hey Ella how was your day at school?" my mom asked from the kitchen. She was pulling out pots and pans from under the stove, I think she was getting ready to cook something.

I tossed my book sack onto the cabinet just as I did myself, I jumped up and sat myself on the cabinet with my feet dangling above the floor. "Alright, but I'm happy it's done."

She walked over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then said "Now you can sleep late. That was always your best skill." she said with a smile and a laugh. I faked a laugh and also said "True."

"Hey sweetie would you mind grabbing the bell pepper in the fridge? I'm in the mood for chili." she said all enthusiastic. You can tell this was an act to cheer me up. I just nodded and hopped off the cabinet walking towards the fridge-raider. I grabbed the bell peppers and handed them to my mom. My mom took them out of my hand she looked at me with a saddened expression.

"Are you okay?" she asked. We go through this routine every day. Nothing changes. She asks the question and I always lie. She fake believes it and we go on with our day.

"Yes I'm okay."

She sighed. "I'm your mother, you can tell me things you know? Keeping things bottled up isn't healthy." she said in a worried tone. "Well there's nothing to tell because I'm okay." I said back to her. I put a lot of effort into that sentence. I wanted it to sound near believable.

"Well there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Well it's not even like you have an option." she said turning away from the stove and looking towards me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked very confused. What does she mean by "even like you have an option"? That's a pretty scary sentence.

"Sit down please. Let's go to the table I need to talk to you about something." she said in a super friendly tone. That only pissed me off more. "No I will not go to the table and I will not sit down because what I want is for you to tell me right now what are you talking about?"

"See Ella, that is the most I've heard you talk in months. Your keeping too much inside you're putting yourself on overload." she said and her voice was starting to get raised and she was starting to get defensive. "No actually I'm fine, but what are you getting at?" I said trying to restrain my voice.

"I will tell you as soon as you sit down." she said and I'm getting so impatient. I give in. My curiosity takes control and I obey my mother's commands and sit down at the table.

"Thank you now hear me out okay?" she asked and I nodded my head.

"I know you are going through a lot. Believe me I know. I see the changes in you. And I don't like them. I know it's hard not having your dad around, but I've tried everything I can with you. I have bought you journals, I have taken you to multiple counselors, and I have tried talking to you and helping you through with this but you won't let me in." she sighed then continued "Tonight there is this society group and it helps people like you that are lost in their feelings and emotions. It's called 'Dare to be Different'. It's tonight at seven at the local library. I'm not giving up on you. If this is what I have to do to get you to open up and be yourself again I will do it.
You are going whether you like it or not."

I heard every word she said. But I saw the tears in her eyes. I saw the gray hairs beginning to become known in her locks. I saw the bags underneath her eyes and her weakened smile. I saw how tired she was. And I knew that all this exhaustion was because of me. Her main focus was making me happy.

I love my mom and I hate seeing her like this. And even if I have to try this stupid society group I will. Because I can simply zone everyone out. I can ignore everyone. But I'm nothing without my mom and I can't lose her too. I'll do it. I'll do it just so I can see her happy. Because seeing her upset just gives me another reason to be upset with myself.

I tried my best not to sound pissed like I actually was "Mom you're really making it sound like I'm a crazy person. And I have no idea what a society group even is." I said and my throat started to hurt because I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob and I wanted to run inside my room and close the door and hide in my covers.

But I sucked in a long breath and put myself together. "It's like this group of people who are dealing with the same issues as you. They can help you get through this. They will all be about your age. They talk to you, tell you their stories and give you their advice. It's not as bad as you think. Just try it." she said and she scooted a little closer and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

I wanted to say no. I desperately wanted to say no. No one will understand this and I want her to except that. But she never will. No one will.

"Okay if that's what makes you happy. I'll try it." I said in the words drained me. I've no clue what I'm getting myself into.

Her face seemed to enlighten and she said "Really? This will be so good for you." then I muttered the words "I hope so."

"Okay then so uh go get dressed and ready. I'm just not going to cook tonight I'll cook chili tomorrow. We can pick up something on the way back okay?" she said overly excited. "That's fine with me." and with that said I was off to my room.

Once I was within my room I let out the longest sigh in the history of the world. I threw myself onto my bed and laid there for a few seconds just pondering what the rest of the night had in store for me. I don't want people to stare at me and treat me like I'm some charity case. I just want to be the quite awkward one who doesn't say a word. Because I seem to be extremely well at that.

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