Minds Eye

Love#2 and the Freak Out

Ok, this may be a sorta kinda odd topic (for some but not for me), but I have a secret. This secret has been plaguing my mind for the past few days. It all started when I got back in contact with an old friend of mine. We seemed to both be, sorta kinda, in the same situation, though at different stages. We are both working to get over someone.

Here it is...
For a long while I haven't thought of my ex (sexually) until I brought her up in our first conversation.
Since then, it's been the whole nine yards of sexy thinking and even dreaming. Mostly of her doing things to my body that leaves me awake and panting at 3 in the morning. :)
For me this is an issue. I had fallen out of thinking of her (ok, so maybe once a day instead of all day). When I do think of her, all of her, I feel as though I'm setting myself up... for having hope again. I feel like I'm taking a step back from 'me time'.
At the beginning, I was totally freaking out. Like "What does this mean universe!?,". Just pulling my hair out and acting like a crazy women. Then, it occurred to me that maybe I was just freaking out for no reason. People think of their exes naked body all the time right? Especially if the wound of heartbreak has barely scabbed, right?
My friend said this to me.
-"U just need to remember that she isn't yours anymore. It's okay to think about her. Embrace her memories but remember she is not yours,"
And I felt better. Completely better.
Before I was so keen on moving on and working myself to not think of her that every time I did I was tell myself "No! Don't even go there,". Smack myself like a five year old child.
I realized that I needed to EMBRACE her memories. I needed to accept that no matter how I feel about it, she was in my life once, she was everything once, but now she isn't. She is my past now, and what has happened in my past is what helps shape my future. My memories with her, my lessons with her will all help me in my future relationships.
And, another point. I didn't realize until now that before I was looking at our relationship together as a twisted failure. I felt that because of the way we ended, I should consider it as a failed love. Even though I didn't want to. The way I see it, our love (at least I hope she loved me... or not? Should I even care? Oh gosh...) wasn't a failure. It was a combination of bad timing, and infancy. Love, for the both of us was still new. Still rainbows and sunshine. And there is nothing wrong with that, it's all apart of life.
I'm a new person now. Completely, and entirely my whole perspective on life has changed. I'm more free spirited, open, honest, understanding, just everything is new.
(In my hippie voice) I've become one with the universe, man✌.
I am happy with who I am becoming. I love myself more than I ever have before. I feel that my romantic relationships now will just be fuckin awesome (with awesome sex btw). Not that I feel ready to enter a romantic relationship now, but I am more open to it. I feel more comfortable just being "friends". I know what I need now, and I'm finding ways to incorporate in what I want.
It is all in my plan to be self sustainable. Love myself, so I can love others the way they deserve to be loved.

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