(Drarry) Faking My Own Death

Chapter 78: 'Everything Is Alright' by Motion City Soundtrack

He really had relied on Draco for support. It was a blind support, where it didn't matter whether it had been Draco or Hermione or Ron. It was more comfortable to hold on to Draco and move from one thing to the next than to have peace of mind. Peace of mind was where the trouble, the anxiety, the depression, the PTSD started. Peace of mind is where it all came crashing down.

And here he was, the wreckage of the tsunami around him, with the water far away and out of reach. He was free from expectations. He could do anything. Be anything. Be anyone. But there were too many broken pieces, too much rubble in the way. He didn't have a clean slate like he'd hoped for. He still had his baggage. He could work on it, clear some of it away, but he had to build onward by using them. Addressing them head-on.

Soon enough a foundation would be built. It took a couple more months, but Harry got to a point where a particular drawer in his house got filled with vials of memories that would no longer bother Harry. A few he held onto. A few were too painful, too precious, to let go. He couldn't forget what he had sacrificed for his freedom. He couldn't forget what Voldemort had done. Moments like Dumbledore's death or Cedric's death. Some events were too central to Harry's understanding of how Voldemort was defeated to erase, like the Battle of Hogwarts itself. These memories, Harry worked on to put to rest, to lay dormant. The pain was left, but it couldn't hurt him anew in the present.

With what remained, Harry learned to be at peace. He couldn't change the past, he couldn't have saved everyone. There was no use in having regrets or doubts or ruminating in any way. With the foundation of his past settling in over time, Harry was ready to build on other things. Things like his feelings in the present. His feelings for Draco, for example.

Harry had asked his therapist what it said about him that he was dating his former bully. His therapist looked rather uncomfortable with that question, like they knew Harry wasn't going to be pleased with the answer. Harry shared his own initial theory of knowing Draco was off-limits and thus being attracted to him. Obviously this didn't account for everything that followed afterwards. You don't buy a house with somebody you're kind of horny for because it would be bad to date them. That kind of relationship wouldn't last longer than a month, probably.

His therapist said that in some cases, it could indicate a deep self-hatred or a coping mechanism where the person is so used to pain and suffering that they prefer to stay in harmful, painful relationships. In more extreme cases, people having gone through trauma can try to relive their trauma by seeking out similar situations, so that this time they can make the 'right choice' that would have saved them from their trauma the first time around. But the situation then never changes. It's a cycle that replays over and over.

If Draco and Harry had been fighting relentlessly during the course of their relationship, that might have been true. Harry did feel like he initially played himself by having sex with Draco, because when Dumbledore was murdered, Harry was reconfirmed in what he should have already known about Draco: he was a bad guy. However, he'd changed since then. Sure, they could still very much disagree on things, and Draco could be very defensive and try to pick fights out of insecurity, but it wasn't constant.

More importantly, it wasn't abusive. It was more that Draco's coping mechanism for trauma didn't always match up with Harry's, causing friction. But this friction never turned to mean, petty fighting or into 'screaming matches'. It didn't get out of hand to the point where Harry's friends got concerned. And considering the two of them had lived in a tent near the Burrow for a few months, Harry's friends would have definitely noticed if their fights got too explosive.

Yet, the big question remained.

Was it circumstance or fate?

Not that there was such a thing as soulmates, but would Harry have started to date Draco if events had gone differently? If he'd said no to sex with Draco the first time? If Draco had turned up at any other point wanting to help, would there have been sexual tension? Would Harry want to date Draco after the war? Or what if Draco had only turned to the good side because of having sex with Harry?