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— ☀︎✧ —
We had just arrived at the convenience store a few minutes ago. I immediately booked it to the pharmacy section while everyone else disappeared into the other aisles.
Now I was stuck staring at the pregnancy tests.
I did a quick turn to see if anyone was around. The coast was clear, so I grabbed one and dropped it in my bag. I looked back up and stared at the rest of the tests on the shelf, grabbing two more after I told myself that one test isn't enough to confirm nor disprove. It could be an invalid test. Expired to the point of combustion, for all I know. I need to be absolutely sure of this, no matter the outcome.
My eyes wandered to the spot where the prenatal vitamins were once lined up. The faded label was hard to read, but I suppose it didn't matter because there were none left anyway.
I side stepped over to the pills because I felt sick looking at it all. I grabbed every pack of both anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea tablets for two reasons. Reason number one being that currently we are limited with what we eat and drink. No nutrients means no immune system on top of desperate acts involving questionable food and sometimes filthy drinking water. Someone is bound to get sick, whether it be in the next few weeks or a year down the road.
Reason number two is for my own wellbeing. I was preparing for the possibility of two lines showing up on the tests buried deep inside my bag. I do not want to be sick. I hate being sick. I hate being sick so much that I pretend that I'm not sick when I am violently ill. The only time I can't get away with a lie is when I'm sick, and it isn't because I have a tell. It's because my body betrays me with losing the ability to maintain homeostasis. It's because the people I'm with can see with their own eyes as I'm trembling through a fever.
Okay, yes. I know. Always the truth.
But I'm still human and I lie to protect not only my feelings but those of others. I lie to keep myself and the people I know as family safe. I give half truths and whole lies for some of my manipulation tactics. What's important is coming clean about these lies as soon as they're done being used. I don't live with my lies. If you live with them, you die from them.
Then I snatched more Tylenol and Ibuprofen, gauze, medical tape, and then I lost track because I had dumped it all into the cart. Due to previous raids of whoever made it here first, I wasn't left with anything I couldn't easily fit into my bag.
I went into the neighboring aisle and walked slowly to look at the products on both sides. My eyes went wide with joy when I grabbed a whole bottle of mouthwash and even some floss. Unfortunately no toothbrushes or toothpaste, but this mouthwash is an antiseptic – which will do a way better job at killing bacteria. Jackpot, that's what this was. A fucking jackpot.
