Minds Eye

A Rant/ Diary Entry/ The Unloveable

I guess that I am just not the type of person to "leave", walk out, never look back. I never really have been. Now, I've come to mutual agreements, I've broken up with people but we never ended badly. I have never just up and left some one, and I don't ever want to.
But in this case, I don't know what to do anymore.
My mother has never really been a "mother". When I say this I mean the person who is there for all of your moments that matter. The person who gives you advise, holds you when you need it.
My mother has never actually been there. She left me when I was thirteen years old, and since then she's been in and out of my life in a blur of confusion. Our relationship consists of terrible communication on, childish behavior (mostly on her part), and an inability to let things go.
As a child, I was abused both mentally and physically by her. I was on many occasions left alone to wonder when she would be coming back. We lived in a bad neighborhood, poor and mostly relying on government assistance. We lived in a three bedroom apartment (my grandma, two aunts, my mom and which ever boyfriend, my uncle and his three kids, and my moms friends and their kids) where the bills were an ever looming dark cloud.
From the things I know, my mom has never been a very "stable" person. From the time I was born, she has been running as I would describe. From the police, other terrible people, and me. Although, there is something else, something that I don't understand. There has always been something bigger, something stronger that her love for me. It has been dragging her away from me for years. From the very first moment I took my first breath, I never had a chance.
I don't know what it is, but I know that it exists.
My mother has told me on a number of occasions, and very harshly at that, that she didn't want me and I should be grateful that she didn't abort me. Like any mother loving child, too young to hate or show resentment, I forgave her each time. I tried for years to be everything she wanted me to be. I forgave her for everything she had ever done, but I could never bring myself to forget. No matter how hard I tried to forget the things she had done to me, I never could.
Forgetting things was always my way of coping with all the bad. I figured that If I could somehow push everything from my head they would all just disappear.
My mother never could just leave from my head. The only place she refused to vacate.
I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this. Maybe I just need to clear my head.
I just wish I knew what it is about me, that no one likes, loves. Why does nobody think to stay? Am I that unloveable? Am I ugly, is my personality just shit, do I not have any sort of latch? What? Why?
Why doesn't she want me?
Why?
Why?
Why?

Because I'm pan or poly or weird different. what the fuck is it.
it seems like I've just broken everything into pieces. everything about me just fucken sucks. I'm just all wrong.