A Little Bitter, A Little Sweet- My Safe Heaven

When I feel like drowning in my own tears...

I feel you in the warm rays of sun- when it dips low and rises high, because it reminds me of how warm you were against my shivering skin, yet its unending warmth isn't enough to fill your void.

I feel you- in the moments between my breaths, your memories alive with every rise and low of my chest, with every beat of my heart when it beats, it beats for you. It reminds me of how i lived you- and reminds me of your last exhale, peaceful and serene as you finally freed yourself from the shackles of this world.

I feel you, in the wind that blows against my skin, for i still remember - you kissed me like the faint whispers of it, silent and soft, tender and warm.

I miss you,- when the raging waves crash against the shore. You reminded me of the ocean, calm but deep, guarding secrets of unknown abyss within your unrelenting depths, and now the ocean reminds me of you.

I miss you when the bells chime in the distance - when the summer breeze glides along, and my steaming cup of coffee turns cold with me lost in the countless memories that we carved together. The clamour of the world, the voices of the crowds, the gazes of various people make me realize how lonely i am without you even in the middle of a busy intersection.

The fireplace in our home, it has stayed cold- unlit , ever since the last time you set it on fire, with you and me around it goofing about, small kisses, fleeting gazes, hesitant touches until none of us could hold back, until you lunged at me and kissed me deep in one swift motion, saying i looked to delectable for you to resist me.... How the warmth of your words exceeded the warmth of the cackling fire burning a few meters away.... How the glow of your eyes outshone the glint of flames- left me with pink cheeks. I haven't had the heart to light it up again, feels just as cold as the winter itself without your presence around me.

When i play the piano- that one melody you kept close to your heart, i swear i feel you-by my side, behind me, your gaze on me and i picture you smiling - with your eyes disappearing into soft crinkles and your lips uplifting in a gentle curve, that same youthful smile you beamed with when our eyes would meet for a passing second... And sometimes, there's the sensation of a lingering heat- over my shoulders, near my cheeks, on my hands as if you wanna touch me when you feel my fingers trembling over the keys with the weight of our faded memories.

I miss you when the silence of a cold night caves in and your arms are not there to hold me- that's when i can't hold back anymore, that's when the room we made memories together in echoes with my painful sobs, the pillow we shared soaks in my tears instead.

I know it's been eleven years already since I last saw you, laying in that casket, your rosy skin- pale, your lively eyes draped shut forever, beautiful and unmatched in your youthful elegance, a serene smile on your lips, like a forbidden prince of fae land. That smile of yours you hid your scars behind, those eyes you held your tears back in, that skin littered with remnants of an agonizing past and i was unable to see how much you were hurting.

I'm sorry, for being too selfish that I didn't even see your pain and I'm sorry, for being selfish again because in this very moment I'm still thinking about myself, about how I'm hurting at your loss. Im sorry I'm too selfish, my love. Selfish for you, even after eleven long years, when your body has been embraced by the earth as if it belonged there since the beginning, hiding you away from the pain of living, striping you away from me, i still want you back. For myself.

I know , there's no going back, only moving forward but im stuck in the past when you were still with me- when we were happy, i was happy and you pretended to be- for my happiness. You may be gone but your memories remain- like forgotten pieces buried under the sands of time, like ancient folklores of unrequited love, bits and pieces i shared with you like a lucid dream - a dream I don't wanna wake up from for I know when I do, you won't be there, your smile gone- your gleaming eyes- gone, YOU- perished into nothingness.

I saw you slipping away from my fingers, one moment at a time. It started with your faraway eyes, their light gradually dimming. Then your smiles- you smiled but it didn't reflect in yourself, like how it used to tinge your skin a shade crimson with blush, how it used to sound sweet, it sounded like a deathly hollow of an abandoned valley and when I asked you'd say, it's nothing love. You'd say you're too engrossed in me to even remember how to smile. How I was fooled by your lies because I believed you with my closed eyes. I struggled, when I realized that I'll lose you, when it was no longer possible for you to hide behind empty laughs and sunken eyes. I fought for us, for you- fought for our love yet death was a breach I couldn't fill. I was left with looking into your eyes when you breathed your last, on that hospital bed, fraught with disinfectant smells and the feelings of sickness in the air. You had smiled that one smile I hadn't seen in months, because you said your wish had come true- because i was there with you, your wish. Smiling and writhing away into non-existence with your last whispering words. "I Love you."

I have dreams of you saying them, those words. Sometimes whispering among the frantic breaths we share, tangled limbs and shuffling between the sheets, other times you yell it out as you pass by me with a mischievous grin at my red cheeks because you want the world to know know how much you love me. I dream of us in the middle of a lavender field. Endless purple meeting the golden glaze of a setting sun on the horizon. With it behind you as you face me, I can't see- but I know you're looking into my eyes and you're mouthing the words amidst the hushed winds. They carry them, like the fragrance of lavender- they carry our everlasting love, transcending time and space, undivided by death. All of it seems real like the feel of the sun on my skin and the feel of you- alive and breathing, with me, watching the night pull its velvety dark curtain overhead slowly, you whisper the same words into my skin with a gentle kiss.

"One day my love, one day. It won't be a dream that you fear to wake up from. "

And I believe you, like all those times when you said you were fine, you were ok, and you loved me, only one of them was true.

Our love.

One day indeed my love.

....

There was someone who, as a child, had been close to my heart, then they left, for good- bcz they were hurting and it was too much for them. When i feel sad, I'm reminded of them, dear to me, how they were an enigma in themselves and left us in the blink of an eye, the memories are painful but it's ok. Life goes on. This piece isn't exactly about them, but maybe i just wanted to lift the burden off my chest but it doesn't matter how much i write, what they went through, of which none of us had any idea because they never showed, it'll still be impossible to show in words, their pain and our suffering after they left.

To her,

U truly were among the very few ppl i wish i cud have stayed more with and had more time to spend.

I love u ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ