Lord of the Rings Edition

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Greetings, mortals. It is I, the most beautiful creature to ever walk Middle Earth, the one, the only, Le-

Give it up, Lego-lost.

It's Legolas Greenleaf the Beautiful and Wise, dimwit.

You know, he has a point, Frodo...

Oh, shut up, Sam. Go shadow someone else.

But Gandalf said-

I don't care what Gandalf said! I know what Gandalf said. "Keep an eye on him" doesn't mean "follow at an awkwardly close distance"!

Sucks to be you.

You shut up too. Don't make me remind you of the time that you-

Not now! My fangirls are watching!

Fangirls aren't the only creatures watching...

You're just jealous because I have fanboys too!

I have fangirls and fanboys too!

Do not...

Do too!

Do not...

I have half a mind to beat a lesson into you right here, right now...and don't give me any lip about size! I'm fed up with it! I already told you, I'm vertically challenged! Not short...funsized!

But Mr. Frodo...

No, Sam. Don't you dare "but" me...

Shouldn't we just start the list already?


... Again, shut up, Legolas. Alright, fine. To all you wonderful people out there, here's the list of how you can tell whether you are obsessed with-


No, Legolas. With Lord of the Rings.

And me. Tolkien and Peter Jackson made me beautiful. Of course everyone's obsessed with me.

Just shut up already! Don't make me get Shelob down here...

Alright! Sheesh. Tooouuuchy.


1)  You go around wearing a golden ring on a chain. You also pretend that it makes you invisible when you slip it on, by asking everyone around you to ignore your presence.

2) Whenever someone touches something of yours or takes something of yours, you hiss at them and say, "Don't touch the Precioussss..."

3) You find yourself randomly talking about yourself in third person, and adding -ses to the end of random words (examples: Eggses, peopleses, paperses, hobbitses...etc.).

4) You hold conversations with yourself, adding different pitches, voice inflections, facial expressions, and overall different personalities while doing so.

5) You go around brandishing a stick and shouting out, "A sword day! A red day! Ere the sun rises!"

6) Whenever you win an argument, you draw yourself up triumphantly and proclaim, "The Age of Men is over! The time of the Orc has come!"

7) You find yourself ducking for cover when a shadow passes overhead (be it a bird, a plane, or Superman).

8) You find yourself walking down stairs as smoothly as possible, imitating the Lady of Lothlorien.

9) Whenever you say goodbye to someone, you raise your hand majestically, holding it out in farewell.

10) You babble in Elvish.

11) Every daily situation has to have epic music accompanying it.

12) Even walking to the bus stop has become epic to you. And you make sure to walk in an epic manner worthy of the epic journey.

13) You constantly compare the books to the movies, and get into arguments about whether PJ should have put a certain scene in, or taken one out.

14) Everytime you see a couple kiss, you snigger, because you picture the way Aragorn attacked Arwen. I'm sorry, kissed. The way he kissed her.

15) Everytime you see snow, you have to try to walk on it like Legolas does.

16) You have requested that "In Dreams" be played at your funeral.

17) You want to have/have had a LOTR-themed wedding/birthday party/ordinary party.

18) You totally want the "Black Rider" played at your wedding, and have men dressed as Nazgul come and "crash" the reception.

19) Your favorite insult is "Fool of a Took!"

20) Your second favorite insult is "Stupid, fat Hobbit!"

21) You talk to trees, hoping they'll respond.

22) Whenever you go to the zoo, you make sure to visit the eagles' enclosure. You also wonder how on earth they ever got to be big enough to carry Gandalf away from Isengard.

23) You are now deathly afraid of heights and/or high stairs.

24) You also have a new fear of spiders.

25) You go to a public place, sit down on a bench, and stare creepily at people as they walk by, saying, "What about their legs, Precious? They don't need those...ooh, they look tasty!"

26) People get annoyed with you for quoting every single line in every single LOTR movie with the exact same voice inflection for each word.

27) They become even more annoyed with you when you stand up and act out the scene.

28) Your parents have reprimanded you for eating your food like Gollum.

29) You know the words to the songs in Lord of the Rings (even those in Elvish or the Black Tongue).

30) Whenever your friends ask you a question similar to "How are you?" you reply with "I see Him...the EYE!" complete with widened eyes and flaring nostrils.

31) You make references/crack jokes/talk about/quote facts/spout random trivia about LOTR every day.

32) Your ringtone is of you playing the LOTR theme song on some musical instrument or singing/humming the theme song or is a legit ringtone from the LOTR soundtrack.

33) You have paid a rediculous price for a replica of a weapon from Middle Earth or the movies/the One Ring/some other artifact or souvenir of the Trilogy, or for some sort of music-related object, like the piano music for the movies.

34) You constantly pinch your ears into a point in the hopes that they will grow that way. Then you can claim to be half-elf.

And there you have it, my wonderful fans-

Cut the sweet talk, Legolas.

Jealous because you aren't as good with words as I am?

Not a bit. Nor am I jealous of your plastic surgery or dyed locks.

I'm telling you, it's natural!

Right. Having skin so fair you nearly sparkle like some gay vampire dude is natural.

It is! Stupid shorty. You know nothing of what you speak!

I. Am. Not. SHORT!

*Sounds of scuffling and cries of pain*

Um...so, I'm gonna wrap up, since they're busy. From all of us of Tolkien's world, and on Keiyani's behalf, ciao! (whatever that means...it means goodbye? Oh. Why not just say farewell or something?)

Me: *rolls eyes* Look out for the Inheritance Cycle next! :)

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