The Loft

Part 31

PART 31

Lilian's POV:

For the first time in my life, I felt blank. No pain, no misery, nothing. I felt the nothingness as I sat next to Matt on the beach, on a colorful beach blanket. I saw the birds walking on the moist sand, leaving small imprints wherever they went, making silent chirps. The air was clear; no humidity, and not too much heat nor cold, it was perfect. The wind blew the small strands away from my face, leaving me a clear view of the beautiful ocean before my eyes. The waves crashed quietly and what seemed to be baby turtles ran away from the shore each time the water came closer to them. Which seemed strange to me considering 90% of a turtle's life is spent in the water, yes that is probably the only thing I kept with me from science in school. They know they'll have to go in the water sooner or later. Is it because they still love the feeling of warmth reflecting off the sun?

Maybe that's how it is with Jack and I? I know it'll always be this way, difficult, messy, too intense. And I can never fully commit because I know how it feels to be in such an easy and simple way of loving someone; Matt.

And with that thought, my blank slate breaks and my thoughts come back to me.

I felt as if I was daydreaming, I was just zoned out.

I turn to look up at Matt who's sitting next to me with his arm around my waist and my head lying against his shoulder.

He's been staring at me this whole time.

I giggle and ask "What?" as he still hasn't broke eye contact with me like he normally would due to nervousness and embarrassment.

"You look at the ocean with desire, and amazement. You're in love with natural water, you always have been. And I think that's a perfect way of putting how I feel for you into words," Matt says to me.

He's never said anything like that before.

"I love you, Matt."

"I love you, too. And I know you love him, too. And that's okay," he says breaking eye contact and refocusing his eyes on the ocean.

"No it's not. Especially when him and I are practically fire and ice, we both fuck with each other's heads way too much-"

He interrupts me, "I see the way he looks at you, and I see the way you look at him. Jack fucking loves you, Lilian. And as much as it kills me to say it, I know you love him, too. He's just fucked up recently with Madison, and you sure as hell don't deserve that, but you guys will work it out, somehow. You should've seen how bad he was without you when you were gone. He lost his fucking mind."

He stands up and helps me stand up too as I try to think of how to respond to what he just told me.

We start walking, holding hands, and our free hands holding our shoes as we walk barefoot on the shore towards the pier.

"I'm sorry he did that to you, he just makes me so fucking angry-" he lets go of my hand, "It's just that you don't deserve that, you deserve the farthest opposite. You deserve the world and everything beautiful it contains. You deserve someone who will give you the form of happiness you give others. You deserve.." he looks down at the ground and calms himself down as we arrive at the pier and walk onto the warm wooden boardwalk. The sun is setting with multiple colors illuminating the sky with no clouds in sight.

He's trying to say that I deserve him.

"Matt, I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do, you deserve someone who you shouldn't be afraid will cheat on you. I know he's there when no one else is at five in the morning, I know he's probably the hottest one out of all of us, every fucking fan says so, but look, I just need you to know that you have options. Okay? I would never ask you to chose between us, that's kinda why you left originally."

I nod and sit on the ledge of the pier with my feet hanging about twenty feet above the surface of the water; he sits next to me doing the same.

I'm sure this is against the rules, but there's nothing around and there's something calming about having the fear of falling off.

After a few silent moments of just staring into the vastness of the ocean and the darkening of the sky, I finally find the words to speak.

"I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about the months I was gone, about Jack, about the abortion, about you having to constantly take care of me. I'm sorry for not appreciating you, I don't deserve any of this, and I most definitely don't deserve you," I start to feel my eyes well up as he looks at me with pure rage in his eyes.

He puts my face in both of his hands, and smashes his lips against mine. He doesn't hesitate to insert his tongue into my mouth, making me almost fall off the pier.

He breaks the kiss and gets off the ledge, picking me up and making me do the same thing. He grabs my hand and walks us quickly down the boardwalk.

"Where are we going?" I ask curiously and excitedly.

It's been a while since Matt and I have had any sort of contact like that and I think I honestly just want him right now.

He ignores my question and heads towards a nearby small hotel, the one we slept in last night.

We walk through the doors quickly and my thoughts are consumed with two thoughts.

1)   I have never wanted Matthew this much in my entire being around him.

2)   I'm a little scared due to how angry he seemed when I said I didn't deserve him, again.

We take the elevator to our hotel and he slides the key in once, unlocking the door automatically.

He walks inside and pulls me inside as well, pushing me against the door as soon as it shuts.

He lifts my thighs up, bringing me off the ground as I wrap my legs around him while his lips attack my neck, leaving dark marks everywhere. Small moans escape my mouth as he takes us to the bed with freshly cleaned sheets.

He throws me on the bed, pulling his shirt over his head as I do the same with mine.

We start kissing again as his hands roam my chest; he takes of my bra and throws it on the floor next to the nightstand.

He kisses down the valley of my chest, to my stomach, continuing by removing my shorts that we're already unbuttoned somehow.

He leaves hickies on my hips before moving his face closer to my heat. But he stops to ask me, "Is it too soon? You can always say no."

"It's never too soon with you, please," I barely get out.

He smirks at me and continues to move his lips onto me, making small movements with his flattened tongue.

I slowly start moaning out his name when the door barges open.

I scream and get under the blankets, Matt gets off the bed to see Gilinsky standing at the door.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Both the boys say simultaneously.

I mumble to myself, while ducking my head under the covers, "Fuck."