Nonexistent

~Chapter Twenty-Nine~

I had brought Harper out a year or two back, wanting to show her some of the surrounding areas around the mansion. She had enjoyed the hike, but had never really felt the peace that I did when I came here. Perhaps it was coming alone that brought me so much peace. A place I could call solely my own, not tainted by my family or any of the darker aspects of life. A place that was simply a little run-down and had faded into the background easily.

My head fell backwards to gently rest upon the wall, and I could feel a slight almost crunch as the dried out moss folded under the pressure. The woods around me were quiet apart from the wind whistling softly through the trees, and the faint sound of seagulls from somewhere on the beach. Closing my eyes, I just breathed.

I sat there for what seemed like hours, just listening to the wind and feeling the stone beneath me, something solid in the wretched sea I felt swallowing me whole. My hands had moved the gently grasp the floor below me, dirt slipping underneath some of my fingernails uncomfortably. The stones had caused my legs and lower half to feel numb, a bitter coldness spreading through my limbs as I sat there, only a light hoodie for warmth.

The wind from earlier had gradually strengthened, until it nipped my cheeks and drew tears from my eyes with its biting cold. The wall behind me provided no cover from the ocean gusts, and I was lucky for the tree cover that blocked a small portion of it. As the day drew on, it grew ever darker as clouds began covering the sky and the still winter sun dipped low.

With the wind blowing forcefully, I couldn't hear the footsteps approaching from the side until they were too close for me to get away unnoticed. My head jerked to the side, green eyes meeting blue. I turned away forcefully, looking down at the ground while they moved to sit beside me, close but not touching.

"What are you doing here?" I muttered, refusing to move my gaze from the small ant I had found making its way across the cobbled path. I watched from my peripheral as he shifted, uncomfortable on the hard ground.

"Harper told me you'd be here." His voice was tense but soft. I nodded curtly.

"I am. So why are you here?" I questioned again, trying not to let my voice crack.

I felt more than saw him tilt his body to face mine. I stared resolutely at the ant that had kept moving, even as the day grew colder, it kept moving towards wherever it was going. "I came to find you." He talked slowly, as though ensuring that I understood his every word.

Finally, I turned to face him, my face drawn into a steely glare. "Why? I don't recall calling you to come find me." My words were harsh, and I felt guilty as I watched him wince slightly. His eyes dropped to the ground like a kicked puppy's would. Something in my chest twinged at the look.

"I guess I deserved that. Look, all Harper told me was that you left lunch to come find me and I never saw you- at least, not really. I know you saw me and Melanie-"

"Melissa," I cut him off bitterly. He scoffed with a small smile.

"Melissa," he continued, shooting me a playful glare to which I rolled my eyes, "And I want you to know that she came onto me. Sort of, at least. I'm pretty sure she heard you coming, and I got distracted texting you to ask where you were and then she kissed me and I guess that's what you saw?" I nodded, turning away once more and moving to wrap my arms around my knees as I shivered.

Hunter moved to shift closer and I flinched away. I held perfectly still as he settled back into his spot. I could feel my muscles tensing, only some of my fears relieved. Sure, maybe he hadn't kissed her first, but how could I be sure it wasn't some elaborate scheme to draw me in just to cut me out later.

"Look, I messed up, and I'm hoping that, maybe-" The word itself made me flinch. Too many maybe's in my life had been just that. Maybes. Rather than yes's or no's, all I got was maybe's. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe she'll stop drinking. Maybe you'll stop having panic attacks. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

"Maybe what?" I snapped, moving to quickly stand and put some physical distance between us. "Maybe we could get together? Maybe we could work out? Maybe we could have it all? What about, maybe I mess up and ruin it? Maybe I freak out over something small and you decide it's not worth the trouble." Hunter stood with me, a concerned look etching over his face as he slowly reached for me, as though approaching a wounded animal. There wasn't really a difference.

"Lizzie, that's not what I-" I cut him off once more, spiraling around to throw my hands in the air as I felt my eyes start to burn.

"Maybe it's not what you meant, sure. But maybe I don't want to listen to anymore lies! Maybe I'm sick of living in a world that's so bleak that there's barely any color! Maybe I'm sick of the endless cycle of getting up and pretending it's all okay!" I ranted, losing my breath as I held back a choking sob. A tear slipped out from my eye.

"Maybe I don't want to be cleaning up my mother's mess. Maybe I don't want to be stuck living in a world where my only connection to a father is through childcare checks in the mail or the big fancy house he left us. Maybe I don't want to look in the mirror and be reminded why no one ever stays." I gasped out, feeling my chest tighten at the words.

A sob ripped out of my chest. "Maybe I don't want to be stuck here anymore. Maybe I shouldn't even be here. Maybe I don't want to be alive anymore!"

Hunter jerked me towards him as I let out a choked gasp, slamming his lips to mine. My hands grasped desperately at his dirty blonde locks as I pushed back. His hands moved to cradle my jaw, sliding his thumb across my cheek to wipe off a tear.

Moving back, he held me there with his forehead pressed against mine. My shaking hands moved to grip his wrists as he cradled my face. His words were quiet but firm, leaving me with no room to doubt. "Maybe I don't want to live without you."

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This chapter has been planned out since 2021. Hope you guys enjoyed that little rollercoaster, and only two chapters left! Have a great week!