Minds Eye

Love is A Major Thing

Love is the most major thing in my life. As I believe is should be.
My life has always been about love. How do I get it? How do I receive it? Am I receiving it? Am I giving it? Am I giving it right? How do I want love? When do I want love? And much, much more other questions.
It's only now in my life that I see the full picture. In my journey to self-love, as I like to call it, many things have become clear to me. I've opened a new door in my life, and I've made the decision to close so many others. In making these decisions I had to consider many things such as is this decision going to make me happy? How is this going to affect me in the future? If this the effect I want to have? I also composed a list of goals for myself. To keep myself in line and prevent future depression and bad decision making. All of this ties into how I once saw myself and who I now want to be.

What is the full picture?
First, I envision my life as a painting (strange?). I see a line right down the middle of a canvas and on one side are all of the mistakes and my depressing past all painted in reds, black, dark shades of purple. On the other side, is how I want my life to be, how I am now, all of the endless possibilities, and not only happiness but all of the trials that would get me to that place.
Before, I felt a loss of love. I felt desperate, needy, dependant, weak, and everything in between. I didn't feel the confidence that everyone was telling me I looked. That was the goal then, to look like everything I wasn't, or at least didn't feel. No one was to see the real me. That was absolutely unacceptable in my head. For people to see who I truly was, was for people to see that I felt desperate, needy, dependant, weak and everything in between. When the people closest to me would say things like "You're such a beautiful young lady," "You have such confidence!" Or "Your gonna be everything you've ever hoped to be," my insides curled up in disappointment. The fact that they couldn't see how I truly felt, broke my heart. At the time I was focused on deceiving EVERYONE. It took me to a dark place whenever I would realize that "Hey, you did it. They have no idea," but I still didn't feel accomplished. I felt like a liar and an utter failure in everything. And because love was and is such a big part of my life I felt that my romantic relationships were doomed to fail. I convinced myself that I was born into a world where I would give so much love, more love than I had and I would never get any in return. I was there at the "love bank" taking out "love loans" and I had no way of paying it back because my "love wallet" was completely empty. I realize now that to say all of this is unrealistic. I was getting love, just not the love I was either expecting or what I felt was normal or just not the love I wanted.
This was my transitioning period. The time when I really felt loss and heartbreak and when I really felt close to death. Like a lot of young women in the world, I envisioned what love, for me, would be like. It would be all consuming (which it was), it would be completely understanding, (which it wasn't), it would be shared (it was and it wasn't), it would be accepting (and it wasn't at all). The aftermath of realizing that the love I envisioned wasn't yet within my grasp nearly killed me. As a girl who had her life all planned out, falling in love (and breaking up while still in love) threw my plans right out the window. At the time I was in this dream world where everyone loved just the way I did. The two people who I fell so madly in love with would see how my heart worked, realized that my love was true, and just be with me. They would just be with me because they loved me, and they wanted what I wanted and I wanted what they wanted and we wanted things together. I thought that "just being with me" would keep us happy, because it made me happy. The truth is, I was selfish and blind. That was the half picture.
The other half came when I started to let go of my all consuming love and move on. I told myself that there is a person (or people, because I am constantly changing) that is waiting for me to get my shit together. They are waiting for me to get over these other people and fall in love again, and go through heartbreak again, and then find them. They are waiting to love me the way I want to be loved. The full picture is that the girl I use to be is gone. She's moved to India with her husband/wife and is living it up. We contact each other every now and again but not often. The girl I was when I fell in love with Love#1 is gone; the crazy, insane girl I was when I fell in love with Love#2 is gone as well. I don't expect to see them anytime soon nor do I want to.
The full picture is that the picture is constantly changing and starting a new life abroad.