Chapter 35. It's Time For Some Help

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He wanted me so bad he would kill himself…

Some people knew about our fucked up relationship and how I "broke his heart" to be with the one I am meant to be with. I know for a fact that today, they would blame me for his death. They would say things like, "KC wouldn't have killed himself if you would have taken him back."

You know, one thing is for sure. KC never realized, and now will never get to realize, how many people are truly going to miss him. Everyone still wishes he were still here. 

I sighed. "I guess your right. But, what if people come up to me…" That was the last thing I wanted. 

He shook his head. "They won't. And if they do then they are terrible for it. I mean, who does that at someone's memorial service? They have no right blaming you for something that you had no control over. Now come on, we gotta go. It's gonna start pretty soon." 

We walked out of my bedroom and out of my house. We got into my car, him in the passenger seat and myself in the drivers. Before starting the car I turned to him and surprised him with a hug. "I love you Kellin. Thank you for coming with me today," I mumbled into his hair. 

He held my waist gently. "I love you right back. Don't forget it," he chuckled. 

I pulled away and started my car. The drive was quiet, which was completely understandable. Once we got there and into the huge church I spotted my band mates, crew members, family, and a few other friends in the second to last row, with two spots saved for Kellin and myself. They took up the entire second to last row. 

I mumbled to him to go sit down as I went off to find my mother. She would be sitting closer to the stage, along with Mia's parents, Blu's parents, and some other parents of my friends'. 

Once I found her I noticed that she was tired. She probably hasn't gotten much sleep lately. I have her a hug and told her I missed her at Soundwave and at Kellin's place. 

She told me she missed me back before I went to go sit down. I sat at the end of the row. Kellin was to my right, Sierra to his right (her husband and children weren't present), Blu to her right, Carolyn next to her, Brenda next to Car, and Honor next to Brenda. After Honor was a few of my other girl friends and then Steve, Trent, Zack, Ian, and River. 

I smiled at my friends, glad to see them, even if this isn't a happy day.

"Hey Summer!" my friend Willow Eden murmured to me from down the row. I smiled at her and gave a little wave. I wonder how she will be today. She isn't good with memorial services, funerals, or deaths in general. She lost her baby when she was a bit younger, and sit mourns the death of her unborn child. 

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After the service my friends, Kellin, and I decided to go back to Blu's place and chill. 

Kellin was right. No one at the memorial blamed me, except for myself. If was a beautiful service, but very weird. His family told jokes he used to tell, tell stories about his childhood, and laughed a lot. Some even crackled a couple smiles. It's like KC was still here, physically with us. But he isn't. He never will be again, and that kills me. 

There weren't many people at Blu's place. It was me, Kellin, Blu (obviously), Ian, River, Zack, Trent, Steve, Dakota (Ian's girlfriend), Aaron (River's boyfriend), Steve's wife, my sister, Carolyn, Brenda, Honor, Willow, Ivy (my cousin who was close friends with KC), and Libby (a mutual friend of mine and KC's. I went to college with her). 

Zack and Carolyn are starting to go out and date, but they haven't made things official yet. Steve and his new wife have been really good, already talking kids, Ian is thinking about proposing to Dallas, Aaron and River are thinking about marriage as well, Honor is happy about her relationship with Jack, they still need to make things official though, and Kellin and I are starting to plan our wedding. I even found him his own engagement ring. Yes, guys can wear them too. I want everyone to know that he is taken, I don't think I could handle losing him. 

All these wonderful things are happening, and then this one huge thing happens that's terrible. It's crazy. 

I looked at the face, my face probably growing pale. Everyone I love or have ever loved leaves me. My father, my brother, my aunt, my cousin, a few friends here and there, and now KC. People never stick around. It sucks. It is one the things I have dealt with since I was young. It's one of the things that eats me up inside. It's one of the things that makes me never want to eat.

I feel terrible about myself already with all these people leaving me, and then I look in the mirror and I am reminded that this pretty little innocent face of mine holds back so much. I want to scream at the top of my longs right now, but I can't.

By the time I snap out of my trance I noticed that not a lot of people are still here at Blu's place. I didn't even notice them leaving. They didn't even care to say goodbye to the one person in the room who was effected most. Am I that invisible?

First you hate yourself and your existence, then you hate when people don't notice you? Make up your God damn mind. What are you, bipolar?

Shut up! Why do I beat myself up so much?

Before I could think, words were flying out of my quivering lips. I was about to cry and let it all out. This would be the first time I cried in five days. "Blu, I'm going to go use your restroom."

Before she responded back I stood up from my seat and moved at a quick rate to her bathroom. Once in I shut and locked the door. Finally I was along to process everything.

I slide down the bathroom door and hugged my knees to my chest. It was sinking in. KC will never be here again. He left us all to deal with this. I'm going to forever believe this is all my fault. It is all my fault. 

Tears started rolling down my face as I took in everything that is wrong. KC is dead, Beth hates me, I'm a freaking skeleton, and I'm having a mental breakdown in Blu's bathroom. 

I began to hyperventilate. I couldn't breath. I'm killing myself, just like how I killed KC. I've been starving myself, getting tattoos and piercings to take my mind off of things. I want to get help so bad. I want to be better for my fans so much. I'm no one to look up to. I don't want them to know that. To be crushed. 

But I don't think I can get better now. 

I looked around the room for something to distract me. I can't keep thinking about death and food and fans. I quickly crawled over to the toilet, readying myself to vomit the food I haven't eaten in the longest amount of time. 

Before I moved my finger anywhere near my mouth I began to calm down. It was as I've someone stuck a needle in me and injected something into my small, tattooed body. 

I sighed and pulled away, leaning my back against the wall opposite of the toilet. I started to feel real woozy. My rapid breathing slowed to normal. I pushed myself up off the floor and made my way out of the room. 

I dragged my suddenly weak body out to the living room. The few people that were here before I went to the restroom had gone home. It was only Kellin and Blu in the room, besides myself. 

Kellin smiled at me once I came into view and through my car keys up in the air, only to catch them instantly. "You ready to go home, babe?" 

I nodded. I waved bye to Blu. He lead me out to my car and opened my door. I was about to say thank you, but my breath caught in my throat. I began to hyperventilate again, but this time my fiancé was watching. My fiancé who doesn't know the terrible state of my condition. Who doesn't realize that I weight the weight of a sixth grader. Who doesn't know about my anorexic past. Who needs to take me to the God damn ER. 

I need help. "I can't breath," I choked out. 

He started freaking out. He came behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I would have fallen if he didn't. "Kellin!" I coughed. "I… I'm having pains. Chest pains and h-heart pains. Kell, get to me some help, quick!"

The next thing I knew Kellin was speeding down the rode somewhere. I was busy trying to not fall asleep. I had calmed down a bit and was starting to get drowsy as darkness took over. Kellin would continuously shake me awake. But it wasn't working much. Even when he screamed at me.

"God damn, Summer! Stay awake! You told me nothing was wrong with your health! You're as skinny as a twig and I should have listened to myself instead of your lying! Fuck!"

A/N: Hey, so a couple things. One, do you like the new cover? Two, Summer is dying, holy shit! What do you think about that? Three, sorry this chapter sucked, was short, and was mega boring. I'll try better next time. Also, As you can tell I have added some new characters. There is only one who has not been introduced yet, but will be making a big splash at Warped Tour 2013.... the tour Sorry We're Late is not going on! :) Thank you to everyone who sent in a character! I loved them all! 

So, 15 comments? Please and thanks, guys. Tell me what you thought of the chapter! <3

~Catt

This Time I'll Hang, Close the Door (Kellin Quinn) {Book 1}Read this story for FREE!