Victoria

Chapter10

"I wish you did not have to do so. I wish we could be free from needing to be in hiding. I wish..." but I do not finish.

"What? What do you wish?" he asks, pulling me close. My smile fades. So does his. "I know..." He says. He knows what I mean.

We have been living in our new estate in Europe for almost nine months. So far we have been safe. The people do not expect us to come here because we do not have any safe places in Europe; only in Russia and England. But, living here this long makes me want to get on with our lives. Family wise. I am nineteen now; it will not be a scandal to raise a family at this age. I know plenty of women who have children at fifteen. But Demyan will not discuss the matter with me.

I pull away from him and get out of bed. I stretch and yawn and go to my closet to change. I dress in a white and blue satin gown. When I step out of my closet, I see Demyan is standing at the window with his oh-so-fine looking face. I can't help myself but to run into his arms. But I decide not to.

"Would you pass me the salt?" I ask. We are sitting at our long dining table, only using about a sixth of its capacity of holding food. He hands me the salt with a smile. We do not talk openly, in case one of our servants overhears us speaking of our ways. We usually speak with our minds.

'I got a letter in from Fambridge last night as you were getting ready for bed.' He said. I swallow some of my drink.

'Oh? Who was it from?'

'It was from my double. He wanted to know how we were getting along.' He said.

'Did he say whether or not he knew about Ashland? If she is still alive?'

'They went to the estate we were going to live in and they found no trace of her.'

'Do you think the people went there again and took her?' I ask. He shrugs.

'Who can tell? They don't leave any smell or finger prints, so who really knows?' I nod.

When we finish eating we go to the top parlor for tea and coffee. As I stir the sugar in my tea, I long more than ever to have a baby. I was just thinking of another day was to come of doing nothing but keeping up appearances. I shall try to talk to him about it.

"Demyan, my love, what are we going to do today?" I ask. He looks at me suspiciously.

"I'm not sure. Why?"

"Well I was just thinking of going to my friend Heather's estate. She has wanted me to come...and also you know she is going to have a baby soon. I just, you know, wanted to have her to myself as friends before she is a mother." I say. He gets the clue quickly.

'Natalia....you know we can't right now...' He says to my mind.

'Why not? It has been forever since we have had news of Domitri! Why can't we just get on with our lives?! Demyan, I want a family! Why can't we have a family?' I say. I am close to tears.

"I think it would be good of you to visit Heather. As long as I can come, of course." He says out loud. I shake my head and a small tear goes down my cheek.

"No; I do not want to go anymore." I say. I wait a few seconds. "Excuse me." I stand and leave him. I walk down the hall and I get to the stairs. I hear him following me. Of course he is following me. He won't ever leave my side. I turn to face him.

"Stop following me! I've had it up to here with you saying, 'Oh, I won't ever leave you, my darling'! STOP! Just,..gah! Just stop following me everywhere I go! Please! I know you love me, and I love you too! But this isn't what I expected our lives to be like! I want a family, I want my brothers and sisters back! I want us to be happy. I..." I stop talking. The tears are getting the best of me. I sit down on the stairs.

I burry my face in my hands and in my dress skirt. I cry loud; as loud as I think I ever have in my life. As I sit there, I feel Demyan come up beside me. He sits down and I hear him sigh.

"Victorious." He says in our native language. I don't look at him, but I give him my attention. "Victorious, there is a reason why I do not want to have a family right now. And the reason is that, well, I'm not sure I could be a father. I know this reason is selfish, but it's true. But now that I see how much it means to you...I don't know how I couldn't be. I didn't realize how much it meant to you." he says. I sniffle. He wraps his arms around me and brings me close. I feel a kiss on my head.

I look up and he smiles at me. I smile back. He leans in to my ear and whispers. "Do you think you could wait just a little longer? Just until we hear the next update about Domitri?" he asks. I look away and sigh. I look back at him and nod my head.

"Yes." I answer. He pulls me close for a hug. But I do not hug him back. I am beginning to get the idea he doesn't want children; ever. I, personally, think nine months is long enough to wait. And also, if we do not begin to have a family, that might bring up suspicion.

He stands and holds out his hand to help me up.

"What do you say we plan to visit your friend Heather?" he asks. I smile.

"That would be marvelous." I answer.