not actually there || dnf

chapter 9 ✰

george.

i've found myself in a position where i'm sitting on my bathroom floor with a blade between my fingernails, creating vertical, bloody lines on my wrists. i can't deal with this pain for much longer.

by creating small cuts near my vein, i've discovered that it takes longer for the bleeding to stop on these places i've cut. when i look down at my uncovered legs, i can still see dull red scars. from my knee to where my hip begins.

i hate having to hide this so well. playing it off as if i'm perfectly fine, when i'm literally about to jump out the window above me. i also hate seeing dream going through the same pain i am.

"george, you alright? our food is here..." karl knocks on the door, startling me. his voice is muffled slightly since he's standing outside the door.

"ye-yep, be there in five..." i reply. he mumbles an 'alright' and i hear him head back down the hall. i let out a small breath i hadn't realized i was holding. i turn my attention back down to my wrists. i dab a piece of toilet paper on top of the blood, and the blood is instantly absorbed into the paper.

my heart is racing, my mind is racing. i cut my wrists some more until they feel like they're stinging. i leak my head against the wall and a tear falls down my cheek.

i can't stand being here anymore.

karl knocks on the door before coming in. "george it's-" he stares at my mess. "oh george..."

he closes the door behind him and sinks down the wall to sit beside me. he takes my wrists in his hands and he begins wiping them.

"karl i'm fine-" i begin pulling my arms away from him. i don't want my best friend seeing me like this.

"shush," karl insists softly. "tell me what's happening." he's still wiping my wrists and making sure they're clean when he says this.

"it's really, really hard having a boyfriend who goes through the same things you do. he doesn't know about any of this..." i motion to the blade, the blood. karl stares at me, his fingers rubbing along my hands like usual when he's trying to comfort me. his lips are pursed into a line. "he can't help me if he can't even help himself."

karl nods a little. he's tracing my hands with his fingers. "maybe you can help each other," karl suggests with his usual, quiet tone when it comes to serious matter. "you don't have to suffer alone if you have him to suffer with." karl smiles a little. i nod in agreement. i don't know how this would help, but it's worth a shot.

"let's go eat," karl says. "just a bit even if you're not hungry." he stands up and holds out his hand to pull me up.

we go into the kitchen and he pulls out two trays of sushi. they're both different kinds, so i automatically assume it's for the both of us to share.

i stare at the food and try to imagine how much weight i'll gain if i have some of it. it's been 2 weeks of no working out, and i swear i've gained at least 30 pounds...

"george, eat up," karl encourages. he must've caught me staring at it for too long. he pushes a plate into my eyesight and it forces me to pick it up off of the counter.

"how long have you been clean?" i ask, swallowing the food that was in my mouth. he stares at me for a moment.

"a few days," he confesses. his eyes don't meet mine anymore. "relapse is okay if it means you're going to recover." i nod. i'm not getting better any time soon, though.

"how is sapnap?" i ask, wanting so desperately to now change the topic. karl's eyes light up when i mention sapnap's name.

"he's doing well. busy with his band and drumming a lot," karl rambles. i notice his eyes light up every time he talks about sapnap.