Say That You Are Mine - A Darklina Fanfic

Chapter 22

Alina's POV

Song: I Fell In Love With The Devil - Avril Lavigne

"I have something I need to tell you."

I looked at Aleks in concern. "What's wrong? Did I do something?"

"No, no. Remember I told you that I wasn't ready to tell you about myself yet? I'm ready now."

"Okay. Let's go where nobody can hear us."

I called for someone to bring us Nycta, and hopping on, we rode into the woods. We went up a hill and when we reached the top, we could see for miles, since the hilltop had no trees. There were rocks and small bushes covered in snow, but nothing large enough to obstruct the view. It was peaceful up there since we couldn't hear or see anyone else but ourselves. Aleks helped me off and brushed some snow off a rock so we could sit.

I tried to scooch close so he could put his arm around me, but he moved away. "What?"

"You're going to need space. To be away from me."

Warily, I sat down a good distance from him. "You can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I just don't know how to start." I sat in silence, listening. After a long moment, he began. "When the Black Heretic created the Fold, it was a mistake. He had been trying to use a forbidden type of magic called merzost. Yes, magic. The Small Science is not magic, but this was not Grisha power. This was older. At the time, he didn't realize how powerful it was. The Black Heretic lost control and barely kept his life. Merzost had consumed him, turning him into a monster. It had killed the part of him that was human. All he left was the hunger for more. He knew that he would need access to libraries and documents that were restricted to the public if he wanted to continue with merzost, so this was the story that he spread around: that he was the heir of the Black Heretic, and that his forebearer had died in the creation of the Fold. He said that he needed to know what his ancestor used to create the Fold, so he need access to everything. He rose in power, from one ambitious Grisha acting alone to the General of the Second Army and the most powerful Grisha alive. Knowing that people would begin to get suspicious of his long life, after several, several years he faked his death and again came forward as the heir. Over time he became known as the Darkling, and people began to think that the power to control shadows was in his so-called bloodline. He could only feel one emotion, and that was love. The problem was that this love was the strongest type of love, the type where he would do anything, kill anyone, or say anything for the person or thing he loved. Love scared him, though, and he avoided it. He kept himself separate, cold, and distant from anything he could even possibly love. His mother, however, refused to leave him. He did love his mother, but as I said, it terrified him, and he buried that love deep inside him where it couldn't be found. Since the creation of the Fold, he has only ever truly loved one other person. That person was his equal, banishing his darkness with her light. She balanced him, keeping the monster inside of him at bay. That girl brought out the humanity in him again. Without her, he felt nothing. No regret for his mistakes, no sorrow for lives lost because of him, nothing. She was his light in the darkness. The reason why he felt alive again. The reason he felt human again. But the first time he saw this girl, he knew what was happening. He hated it - if you could say he felt hate. Deciding that he would use his weakness as an advantage, he started to manipulate her, doing his best to keep himself from loving her. He wanted to expand the Fold into Shu Han and Fjerda, but use the girl to guarantee safe passage across for Ravkans. What he didn't expect was that the girl loved him even without him manipulating her. She kissed him first. She gave consent. He wanted the warmth and companionship that came with being in a relationship for real. He knew what he had to do. He had to let himself fall in love. And he did. He fell so hard for that girl it knocked the breath out of him. He loved this girl - loved everything about her. He loved her voice, her kindness, her compassion. He loved her body, her hair, her eyes, her lips. Everything. He loved her when she was dressed in rags and covered in blood and dirt. He loved her when she was dressed in black with her hair done up, ready to show the world who she was. He loved her when she was dressed in leggings and boots, loved her when she took her anger out on her best friend. He loved her when she couldn't summon. He had never loved anyone as much as he loved this beautiful girl. Li, the Fold was a terrible mistake and it cost so many people their lives. It has hurt this country for years. Decades. Centuries, even. I'm so sorry for lying, Li. I'm sorry for everything."

"You're the Black Heretic." I was numb.

I had sat there silently, dread slowly building up. I had started to suspect that he was leading up to that, but I hadn't let myself believe it. My Aleks, the monster who had created the Shadow Fold, who was responsible for the deaths of close to half of a million innocent people? My Aleks, who hugged me and kissed me and told me he loved me? My Aleks, who held me in his arms as if I was the one thing anchoring him to the earth? How much older than me was he actually? How many centuries older?

But how could I not believe it? It was coming straight from him. It wasn't a rumor spread by gossiping maids. It wasn't a whisper overheard at the dinner table. It wasn't a story told to frighten children. Aleks was telling me this.

The amount of information he had just given me physically hurt my head. My heart felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it.

Thinking back, I noticed times when Aleks hadn't seemed like my Aleks. Once I walked into his room and he was at his desk, which was covered in piles of papers waiting to be signed. Although he had been staring down, I had seen the look in his eyes. It was hollow, empty, void of any emotion. That is a bad way of phrasing it, though. Not empty. It was as if he had done something any other person would feel regretful of. But he wasn't. He had looked as if he was beyond caring. At that moment, although I hadn't realized it, I had seen the monster come out in Aleks. There were other times, too. He would come back from one of his trips and would be angry and reckless, but once he spent a few days around the Little Palace, around me, he would settle down and be more like the Aleks I knew.

He had told me that he had manipulated me. Did I love him for who he was? Or what I thought he was? Our whole relationship was grounded in a lie. So how could I know that he was telling the truth about loving me? Was it a lie that the Fold had been a mistake? I didn't know if I could trust him anymore. I didn't know if I loved him anymore. Sure, I loved the Aleks that he made me think he was, but did I love the Aleks he actually was?

He had wanted to weaponize the Fold. Did he still? He would kill millions of innocent people. Women, children, babies, everyone.

And was he really sorry? I didn't know what to think. I knew what to do though.

But he had warned me on the night of the winter fete! He said that he wasn't what he looked like. He tried to warn me but I said it didn't matter. Did I really mean it? Because this sure as hell was not what I thought it would be. I had thought it would just be something that he had done a few years ago that he had covered up. Not that he was centuries old and the most hated person in Ravkan history. He said that he had been trying to make it right, but had he actually been?

Standing up, I punched him. When I heard the crack of his nose, I felt a little sorry, but then I remembered what he told me. He was centuries old. He could stand a little pain. Hopefully, that would ruin his goddamn hot-ass face.

"What the hell, Aleks?" I punched him again.

There was blood beginning to pour down his chin. His eye would be bruised badly from the most recent punch.

"Li, I tried to tell you. I am so sorry."

The fact that he was being so nice about the fact that I had punched him twice was killing me. Kicking him, hard, with the pointy edge of my boot in a very special place, I stomped away, hearing his grunt of pain. I started to run, tears starting to stream down my face. I had thought that I belonged, but no. I had thought that I belonged with a monster. I was a fool.

Saints, every time I thought of his face or his voice, my heart started beating a little bit faster. I hated myself for it, but all I wanted to do was run back into his arms and whisper, "I'm sorry." But I couldn't. Because I had fallen in love with the devil.

Word count - 1668