ambivalent • a tronnor au ✔️

Chapter 20

Time passes by quickly when all you do is walk and mope. It's been 3 hours since Troye had left, leaving me behind in this crappy country without him. I guess it's true when people say 'you never realize how truly meaningful something is to you until it's gone. '

That's how I was with Troye.

I never would've thought he would mean so much to me.  Now look at me,  crying as I walk down my street, approaching my house after several hours of listening to Sad Songs and wandering around the town.

I took a deep breath, trying to wipe the tears away from my eyes before I entered my house, which was useless because I'm pretty sure everybody is expecting my emotions to pour out.

As I entered my house, I saw my entire family; Dustin, Brandon, Nicola, My mom and dad, all sitting on the couch, watching a movie of a sort. As I closed the door behind my, all eye's looked up, widening at y state.

"Are you okay, Con?" Brandon asked, being the first one to speak up. I bit my tongue, trying to hold back my tears.

I wasn't going to speak; I couldn't, or else the tears would start to flow out of my eyes. So I settled with shaking my head.

My mom quickly grabbed the remote and paused the movie. "Guys, why don't you all go to your rooms until Dinner. I want to talk to Connor alone" They all nodded in agreement and made their way upstairs. "So, Con, why don't you and I have a little talk" She patted the spot nect to her, signaling for me to sit down next to her. But I didn't. Instead I ran right to her and wrapped my arms around her body, burying my head in her neck, and letting the tears escape.

"I-it's not fair" I cried, burying my face deeper into her neck.

"Shhh, I know, Connor. I know, you miss him a lot. Don't you?" I nodded, hoping she would understand what I met. "the only way to get through this is to talk about it, Connor."

"What is there to talk about?" I asked, unraveling myself from her and sitting where she originally planned for me to sit.

"Who is Troye to you?' She asked, knowing the answer.

"He's my best friend" I lied, knowing damn well that he's more than that. Troye is literally My Everything, as I mentioned before.

"And what did you two do together yesterday?"

"We went to the mall, then afterwards we went to the beach and watched the sunset." I smiled at the memories. Every moment about that night was perfect, simply perfect. But now, I'll never have those perfect nights again.

"Cute" she mumbled. "Now, I need to know this; Why are you crying if you know you're going to see him again?"

"Because, who knows when that will be, mom? The future is unpredictable. You can never guarantee that I'm going to see him again, Mom. I just- I took a deep breath "I'm going to miss him so much mom. So freaking much."

"why are you going to miss Troye so much?" She questioned. I tried to hold back my laughter. Was she serious? Why wouldn't I miss Troye?

"What am I going to miss? Everything. I'm going to miss his dorky accent, the way he says my name. I'm going to miss those deep blue eyes and his chocolate brown hair. I'm going to miss the way his arms wrap tightly around me when we hug. I'm going to miss him so much, Mom."

"Can I say something, Con?" She questioned, almost as if she ignored what I just said. I gave her a simple nod, waiting for her to continue. "I may be totally wrong, but to me it sounds like you have a strong connection with Troye, that the feelings you feel towards him are more than platonic."

My eyes widened. She had a point; she had a very good point. I mean, yeah, I know that my feelings for Troye are obviously more than platonic, but I mean, how deep were my feelings? I know whatever it is, It's more than a crush.

My feelings for Troye are way more than a school girl crush. They go beyond the factors of 'like-like.' I can't help but feel like my life wouldn't be complete without Troye in it. I'm almost jealous that Australia gets to have that perfect boy on that continent. I know for a fact that I have grown as a person since I've became friends with Troye.

I've read this all before.

I know what this feeling is, I know what I'm feeling.

It's way more than platonic or a stupid crush.

Honestly, this feeling is the most powerful feeling in the world.

"oh shit, mom" I whispered, not giving to fucks that I just swore in front of my mom. I started to break down as I realized everything.

I'm in love with Troye.

I'm in love with a boy who has moved to Australia. I'm in love with a boy who has only a small crush on me. I'm in love with a boy that I'll probably never see again.

It scared me. It really did. I'm too afraid to admit it out loud. I don't want people knowing how pathetic I am, considering Troye only has the slightest crush on me, no way he'd be in love with me. And even if he is – I would never be able to say this to his face.

"is everything aright, sweetheart?"

"I just- yeah. Thanks mom. If you don't mind, I'm going to head upstairs for a bit." I replied, sitting up on the couch.

"Alright. Could you do me a favor and bring up this laundry hamper to your room? It's all your clothes."

"yeah, sure." I grabbed the hamper, making my way upstairs.

All I wanted to do was seclude myself in my room and never come out. I want to cry all my feelings of Troye away.

As I approached my room, I pushed the door open with my foot and once it was opened, I immediately dropped the hamper.  I couldn't believe it.

"hi"