"You do realize I love you, right, Eren?"...
Those words echo in my mind like an empty, hollow cave with nothing inside. Nothing. It echos in my ears, his words. Am I just dreaming? This is real? I'm not dilusional?
"I don't even care anymore! Why can't you just leave?! Go away, Levi!" I throw whatever was near me right at him. A book. The book hits the wall and I grit my teeth, tears swelling in my eyes, my hands curl into fists. "Why can't you just leave me? I don't want you anymore!!"
They weren't true. Those words were never true. But I've hurt him enough for him to walk away. As he walks towards the door, he looks over his shoulder over to me, and speaks softly.
"Eren... you--"
"What did I say, Levi?! Go! Away! It's your fault!"
It wasn't your fault...
I wish I can stop talking...
Levi, please don't leave. I love you. I'm stubborn. I don't know what I'm saying. You've been through this temper. Even before. Have you had enough of me? Why aren't you fighting back?
He exits the door and I saw the hesitation. Everything around me starts to spin; the world is spinning around me and I'm hardly able to stand. My legs grow heavy and weak and I fall down to my knees, hugging myself, sobbing my eyes out, my throat getting itchy. But I don't care. I can cry all I want. I can scream all I want.
Because I just lost the love of my life...
My entire life...
I could've stopped him. I still can. But I can't move. My legs have given up on me as if this was supposed to be my fate; as if all of this has been decided previously; that I'd be separated with him once more. Why is the world so cruel yet so beautiful?
...
It has been a week since Levi and I cut ties together. The ring that was present on my ring finger left a ghostly mark on me, forever haunting a life that once was.
I roll to my side on my bed, alone, in my house, curled up in my covers, in cold sweat, feeling as if I have a fever when in reality I've been curled up in this blanket in summer days for the longest time. Since I haven't ate nor drank since that day, I guess my body just didn't have to go. I've been staying on my bed the entire time.
Mom left the house to visit dad, and of course she left a letter in the kitchen.
'Will be back in two weeks. Love you, honey. I left a lot of food for you to cook and eat in the fridge. Take care.
Love,
Mom♡'
What great timing, mom.
I would text Armin for him to come here, but he's on a road trip with Sasha, Connie, Mikasa, and Jean. They left me, too. Because I would always live with Levi. I've lived with him. Because we were married.
Were.
I feel like crying.. but I guess today was just the day that I've ran out of tears. Maybe I can use something else as a substitute.
Cutting, maybe?
No.
I'd rather run away. Run away so that no one will ever find me.
I guess I can do that instead. I guess no one needs me in their lives anyways, right? I can be replaced by anyone. It's fine. Nothing else matters anymore.
I crawl out of bed, my boney frame hangs my damp green shirt loose on my torse and arms. How many pounds have I lost? I feel a lot lighter on my feet. I stumble to the ground, curling in my body, my arms hugging my stomach as it growls in protest.
Just a quick rinse and little food before I leave... forever.
...
After the shower and the food, I weakly look at my phone that is still on the same place I've left it since that day; on my night table. I walk towards it and swipe open my phone.
No new text messages.
I'm sure they're having a lot of fun without me.
I scroll down messages and see Levi's message box. He hasn't messaged me since, either? I guess I'll.. just leave a message for him ....
Just one last message.
I begin to type, my thumbs come alive out of my entire body that is dead.
"Hey... it's been awhile..."
Sent.
"How've you been? I'm really sorry I yelled at you that day. And I'm sorry I've never...really did anything but hurt you. But I guess you've moved on and lived on, right? Without me, right?"
Sent.
"I want you to come here. Just one last time. One more time. I want to hold you in my arms just one last time and kiss you.. just once more. One more time is all I need. I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve it. But I'll..try making it worth your time. Just come by my house, okay? I'll be waiting for about half an hour, okay?"
Sent.
I never realized an hour has already passed. I've been staring at the ceiling and thinking about if I'm really going to run away after this. I've been thinking about my arms wrapping around him just once more.
Did his phone die? Is he with someone else? Did he move on?
...
He moved on...
I gulp in my tears and sit up on my bed. I guess I must face the harsh, cold reality. You can't get back what you've never had after all.
I glance at my backpack I've prepared for my little trip, along with the gun I've found in my dad's hidden spots. I stand up from my bed and hold it in my hands.
Maybe I can end it... just like this...
I press the tip of the handgun against the temple of my head, looking at my own reflection in my mirror.
Squeeze it. Just squeeze your finger against the trigger. Do it. Do it.
I throw the gun against my wall with a scream of frustration. Why can't i do it?! Why?! Why is it so hard to just die already?! I've lost everything!!!
I get fed up with myself and just grab my backpack, leaving the gun on the floor. I glance over my shoulder to my bedroom before closing the door behind me.
Goodbye, everyone...
I leave a note for my mother and another one for Levi on the kitchen table.
