"No!" Estella screeched as her father held her close to his chest with his chin buried between her neck as he cried for his daughter. The hug she tried to free herself out of was a way of Alex telling her that he was sorry. That she would be okay and she didn't need to do this.
"I know baby, I know." He shushed her as she slowly calmed down, falling limp in his hold and clutching to him for dear life as some sort of closure. "It's gonna be okay baby, I swear. I'm so sorry."
Estella had looked behind her fathers shoulder to witness the reaction from not only her mother but all of her siblings who had been frightened by their older sisters outbreak. Her painful screams had been so loud they became a million times more worried and rushed into the bathroom as if their parents hurriedly rushing up the stairs didn't worry them enough. To see her like this killed them.
"Estella?" Estella had lifted her head up, profusely blinking back the tears she had produced, sniffling and clearing her throat. Feeling slightly embarrassed for spacing out like that.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry, I was just thinking about something," Estella stood up to give her a polite hug. "Nice to see you again, Dr.Kim."
"Nice to see you too, Estella. It's been quite a while. You look good. A lot has changed."
They both took their seats, Dr.Kim picking up her clipboard from the glass coffee table separating them and sat it on her lap. Estella sitting comfortably on the white sofa with her legs crossed, sliding her now mute phone into her fiery red Prada bag.
"How've you been, darling?"
"I've been good, yeah. How about yourself?"
"Good, good," Dr.Kim observed every emotion she made in a split second. "What were you thinking about before I came in here?"
Estella sighed, seeing no reason to lie since Dr.Kim had known any and every traumatic event that happened in her life. "Just that one time I tried to kill myself."
"Do you think about it everyday?"
"Not often. It just suddenly came to me."
"Are you still cutting?"
"I did a few days ago—but my boyfriend was able to talk some sense into me."
"You have a boyfriend?" Dr.Kim had been surprised, Estella nodding her head as a yes. "Do you finally feel like you're in a happy place after Zayn?"
"That's what I came to you for, actually," Estella smoothed her hands down her skirt covered thighs. "I've been dating this guy named Harry and he's—miraculous. He makes me feel like I can be anyone I want and he shows me that I don't have to be afraid to look into the future. But for some reason I keep dwelling on the past as if I want him to change it. It's like I want to move on with him, but the past still needs fixing. It needs someone it can trust to wipe it out of misery and replace it with contentment."
"Is Zayn the main reason why you can't continue on with Harry?" Her therapist asks.
"No, I don't think so," Estella shrugs. "I mean, I will always love Zayn, but Harry is entirely different. Funny thing, they happen to be ex best friends. We all got into a fight but besides that that's not the problem. We've talked things out and I've forgiven him. Zayn isn't the problem. The problem is I like Harry more than I've ever liked someone before but I'm scared to be in love again. I'm scared to reveal myself more than ever. I don't want him to see that side of me. But it looks like it's too late."
"How does he make you feel?"
"He makes me happy," Estella nods, her lower lip trembling as tears swelled up in her eyes. "And I feel like I'm being ungrateful for having him. I'm not giving my God enough credit for sending him to me. He opens himself up more than I do and I'm just being a pussy about revealing all that I am to him. He told me he would never judge me but I'm scared regardless. I'm scared of myself."
"Why do you think you're scared of yourself?"
"I'm scared that I'll end up hurting him because I'm too afraid to let go of the past. That if I constantly withhold every aspect of it it'll end what we have. I have this problem where I make everything about myself and disregard the others emotions. I don't mean to do it on purpose but I feel like if I don't address what's wrong with me it'll keep eating at me until someone does something about it."
"You are the only person that can fix what happened to you, Estella. Sure you can have someone love you till the end of time. Show you compassion and show you how to breathe without paranoia of choking on growth and that is a healthy blockage from the past for your future. But either way, no one can change what you went through. It'll always hurt. The pain will still be there when you get married, have a family of your own, buy a new house—even a dog. Your mind could be floating in peace while you're lying in bed next to your future husband but it will still be there until you find a way to let yourself accept what has happened in order to fully move on."
"How can I accept something like that?" Estella disputes with distress. "He ruined me. He took away part of me and I'm just supposed to let myself accept that? I suffered and I am still suffering."
"And he suffers in jail," Dr.Kim had reminded her, Estella shakily exhaling air. "He's paying for what he did to you. I know you don't like being called the 'V' word but you are one and you should be proud that you got to grow and still live your life."
"But I'm living it with pain. I withdrawal myself from people who try to help me. And instead of coping with the pain I go to a fucking club and let some girl 6 years younger than me convince me to do cocaine with her because I'm that weak. I hallucinate my boyfriend and mistaken him for some purple haired rapist and hook up with him in a dirty bathroom. I cut myself and lock myself in my bedroom for days because—because he made hate who I am. And the cause of all of this leads back to him. He did this to me. And I'm suffering more than he is. He's not sorry for what he did. Feeling sorry would be killing himself because he knows he was sick to do that and he's not able to live with himself anymore. That's feeling sorry."
Dr.Kim sighs, looking down at her lap as she listened to Estella sob, trying to figure out what she needed to say to make her feel like she could better herself. Dr. Kim stands up, setting her blank clipboard aside since she never got the chance to write things down and walked across the table to sit next to her. Grabbing the tissue box in front of her and handing it to Estella so she could pat away the salty streams of water flowing down her cheeks.
"I want you to know that you are the strongest woman I have ever met," She endearingly sets her hand on her back. "I've looked out for you for years and years. I've watched you grow into the beautiful woman that you are today and I can assure you that you have bigger and brighter things to come in your future. You have to let go of the past and be aware that you have people that care for you and will help you every single step of the way. You have Harry, and although I may not know him very well I know that as long as you're there for him he'll be there for you. At some point you have to explain what happened and he's going to understand. He will not judge you, I don't think anyone would."
"How can you be so sure?"
"It's not about what I think, it's about your trust in him and how much you think he can play a big part in your life to help you move on. If you trust him like you say you do. If he makes you happy like you say he does—then you should inform him little by little. You don't have to dump your whole life on him all in one day. You can talk about one thing at a time as time flies by. He won't be going anywhere if he knows you need him more than ever. And I'm pretty sure he needs you too."
"Okay." Estella sniffles, taking a deep breath and clearing her head. She knew what she needed to do, and Dr. Kim was completely right about everything. Estella needed to face her fears about her past and let Harry know little by little so it would make the process easier to deal with. She needed to accept and forget what happened to her in order to move forward in her life to better herself.
YOU ARE READING
you seem to always think about how the world is against you. how every person surrounded by you consumes the distraught aura you hold, feeling it wrap around your neck like a mans bare hands and strangles you until you feel utterly left of air to in...