20 : The Hidden Touches

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Tatlong araw. Palaisipan pa rin sa akin ang nangyari nang huling bisitahin ako ni Leopold. And with those three days, I am fortunately able to escape with Tito Jeremy's dirty intentions and crimes. They are all too busy keeping up with each other that he is so distracted. He might be being cautious, too. Baka iyon talaga ang tunay na dahilan.

Tito Jeremy will still be that dirty old man.

"Anak, kausap ko nga pala si Ranz kanina bago ako pumarito. Gusto ka sana niya raw pumunta sa graduation niya at ikaw mismo ang sumama sa kaniya sa stage dahil proud na proud siya sa iyo. Ganoon din ako. Kaya lamang, ang araw ng graduation ay araw din ng kasal nina Ma'am Kayla at Sir Jaime."

I can feel Nanay Meera's disappointment as she holds me while she guide me to my bed. It's also almost bedtime. We just came from the kitchen and ate dinner. Fortunately, wala ang mga kamag-anak namin. They are all busy until now they even forgot the time.

"It's okay, Nanay Meera. Pupunta ako."

"Naku anak mas importante ang kasal ni Sir Jaime. Hindi ako papayag na agawan siya ng eksena. Gagraduate pa naman ng college si Ranz kaya may chance pa. E itong si Sir Jaime, ngayon na lang ikakasal."

"Ulit, Nanay Meera. Ulit. Pangalawang kasal niya na 'to. Saka isa pa po, tutol ako sa kasalang magaganap. Alam ninyo po iyan."

She heaved a sign. She even tapped my shoulder. I know she must be shaking her head because she is finding me so stubborn. Mayamaya lang naman ay nagpaalam na siya at matutulog na. Hindi na niya ako pinilit pa sa desisyon ko. Alam niyang walang kung sino man ang makakapigil sa akin dahil totoo naman talaga ang lahat ng sinabi ko. I hate this wedding. I hate almost everyone who flew home just to celebrate it and make me miserable. Hindi pa nga ako lubos na naghihilom sa aking childhood trauma ay narito na naman at nadagdagan. For some reason, Leopold has been on my mind lately, too. Hindi siya mawala-wala sa isip ko. I think of him so much that I even start dreaming and daydreaming about him and about us. It is a mystery to me that he left after what I asked him. Ino-overthink ko kung may direktang kinalaman ba ang itinanong ko sa kaniya noong huling gabing dinalaw niya ako.

"You made me borrow your eyes once, Leopold. Can I borrow it again? I want to see him die with my own hands."

Was that not an inappropriate thing to ask?

I remember him telling me only lust makes us connected. That falling in love with him because of the confusion of lust and love, which is not impossible, will end this connection. I wanted to ask him more questions, but I haven't been able to dream of him right for three consecutive days. I daydream about him, but he is not visiting me in my dreams at all.

 

Am I not horny enough? Or am I too unrealistic by thinking that I can borrow his eyes the day I kill Tito Jeremy?

I sighed. I bit my lower lip on the thought of him and his face I saw the first time he visited me. It is still so clear and so pretty. The thought of it...it makes me want to go crazy.

Nag-umpisa akong makaramdam ng init ng katawan. Sa mga iniisip ko pa lang ay hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili kong kayamuan. I am even feeling myself, starting to touch myself, and imagine Leopold in front of me.

"I don't need my eyes while pleasuring you. I am the pleasure I want you to see, Ariella."

Those words. It still rings on my mind. It still tickles parts of me I did not know I have until he made me see it.

Leopold is a demon of lust indeed.

Walang pag-aatubili kong hinubad ang jacket ko pati na rin ang pajamas ko. Nakasara naman nang maayos ang pintuan kaya alam kong hindi ako maaabala kakaagad maliban na lamang kung may hindi ako inaasahang papasok.  Hinubad ko rin ang aking suot na underwears at unti-unting hinawakan ang sarili. I am tracing my own body with my fingers from my neck, my stomanch, my shoulders, my legs, as if Leopold is doing it to me. There is no need to close my eyes to imagine him. I can do it with my blind eyes so easy.

Nakikiliti ako sa sensasyong dala ng ginagawa ko sa sarili ko. Mayamaya pa ay napapakagat na ako sa aking labi. I am rubbing and touching myself with the thought of Leopold down on me. I am also so wet just because of it.

"Fuck," I cannot silence myself from the lustful drive of imagination. "Hmm..."

Masturbating isn't a first time for me, yet this is the first time I am doing it with a man in my imagination. It's making me guilty and dirty but my lust defeats all those emotions. I continued rubbing myself. Sinabayan ko pa ng paghimas sa aking nipples kaya naman mas lalo lamang akong napakagat sa labi ko. Even with my efforts to stay silent did not pay off. I am now making little moans and his name is one of it.

"Leopold..."

Napapaliyad ako sa ginagawa ko sa sarili ko. This is a new wave of pleasure. A new discovery of lust for someone I just saw once and now I cannot forget what he looks like, how he moves like, and how he makes me crazy by his rough ways of pleasuring me. Hindi ko maipagkakailang hinahanap ko iyon palagi simula nang matikman ko iyon. Na sa bawat pagpikit ko ay palihim kong ipinagdarasal na sana ay bisitahin niya ulit ako.

I continued what I am doing. Later, I am loving me touching myself and my room full of my moans and his name. Him in my imagination and my hand touching myself.

"Fuck, Leopold. I want you again and again. Please, I want you..."

The Devil Who Wears My EyesTahanan ng mga kuwento. Tumuklas ngayon