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Chapter 14

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•Courtney's POV•

I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone who once cared is slowly leaving me.
I feel like a monster and I just want to die. I still want to die. I've always wanted to die. But I can't. I have this baby inside of me. I have to at least give her a chance to life.
I'm on so many antidepressants I can't think straight it's just that none of them are working for me at all.
I really need a drink. But I can't. Not while she's inside of me.
But one drink, just one, won't hurt. Right? I don't think so.
I sit up in bed and slowly walk down stairs careful not to wake anyone and open the cupboard. I pull out a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass.
I pour the liquid into the little glass and down it. One more can't hurt anything.
I fire down another shot, along with another. One right after the other. I need to stop.
I don't want to stop. Why should I stop?
I quickly down the shot I have poured and set the glass in the sink. I finally just resort to drinking straight from the bottle.
My pain is doused in alcohol and I feel better than I have in many years. I slowly make my way to the cabinet for something else to drink.
I grab a bottle of rum and untwist the cap and chug.
Finally full, I closed up the bottle and set it back in the cabinet, making my way up the stairs.
I barely avoid falling and almost trip over imaginary things that my brain randomly placed throughout the house.
I lay down in my bed and rub my stomach. It hurts now. I probably just had too much liquid inside of me at once.
I quickly drift off to sleep and wake up to an obnoxious beeping noise coming from Cade's room.
My head feels groggy and I look over at Cameron's side of the bed; he's not there. I try to fall back to sleep, but my continuous want for something keeps me from doing so.
My stomach wants me to throw up. but I will not. I refuse to.
I know it's just looking out for me, and all, but I absolutely hate throwing up. I will not do it now.
I almost died when I had Cade and now Noah. I hate puking.
The only think worse than puking is the painful soberness that comes after being drunk.
Cade comes running into the bedroom making buzzing noises. "Bubba, can you please stop? Mommy has a really bad headache baby."
"Sure Mommy. I hope you feel better Mommy." He leaves the bedroom and closes the door before making the sounds again. My sweet boy. I hope Noah is just like Cade, but in girl form.
But who knows, I may not be around for much longer after Noah's born. I may be gone.
I may finally be truly happy. Finally.

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