The Secrets Hidden In The Scars

Chapter 9: I No Longer Want To Show Happiness

Two days later. Peter keeps sitting at home and is not going to change anything for the better. He is madly ashamed of betraying his band. But he is terribly afraid to do just something to make amends. He does not want to brace himself, put himself in order, find the courage, and go to his colleagues to explain and apologize to them. Instead, Peter does nothing.

The man is now lying on the bed and examining the white ceiling in his room with dead, sad eyes. Rose looks much worse than he did a few days ago. His tired eyes have nothing but sadness and pain, and they have lost the fire they had. He got noticeable circles under them due to not getting enough sleep. His cheeks got shrunk. He lost some more weight, and his skin got much whiter. His blond hair has not been done for a long time. It looks disheveled and much dirtier than before.

Nothing left from the smiling and happy man, who laughed much and was never sad. Peter's soul is empty. He has no good emotions, nice feelings, or reasons to brace himself somehow and think about having the people he owes. He got obsessed with dark thoughts, because of which he withdrew into himself and refused to contact nobody. The blond would hardly say anything, even if he did not live alone in his small apartment and had someone to help him by his side. He thinks it would be better if nobody knew about his feelings. But it's getting harder and harder for him to hide all these feelings that are slowly destroying him.

After lying on the bed for some time, Peter slowly sits up and looks around the whole room with dead eyes, which he has not cleaned up for a long time, then lazily gets up on his feet and goes to the bathroom. On the way, the man looks at the mess he has in his apartment, all the things lying on the floor, much dirt and dust in all the corners, and even clothes that are by far not fresh. And when he slowly opens the door, Peter turns on the light, crosses the doorstep of the small bathroom made of white tiles, and comes to the mirror. Then the blond glances at his reflection, which looks as sad as he is, and looks into his dead eyes, as if he tries to hypnotize himself. Every second, he breathes much heavier and harder and gets nervous, not stopping to think of something dark that makes him feel much worse.

A few seconds later, Peter, still continuing to look at his reflection, starts to talk with it in a low, hoarse voice. He sees his lips doing all the same movements and saying what the man starts to believe more and more.

"You deserve everything that's happening to you... Not surprised that you've got no friends, and girls don't pay attention to such an idiot like you. Because you're ugly! You're just a reject, Peter Jackson Rose, a pathetic reject. Whatever you do, you never do something well... You are not a man, you are a rug... The doormat that everyone needs to rub their legs... Such an ugly and talentless man must die. He shouldn't have been born and poisoned everyone's life..."

A little later, Peter glances at razor blades placed in a small glass on the sink near a bottle of liquid soap. One second later, he slowly glances at his reflection, then at the razor blades, and then at the reflection again. Then the blond breathing heavily slowly takes a blade with a shaking hand and looks at this with his dead eyes for a long time, realizing how strongly he starts to shake and barely fighting with a wish to cry. After finding the courage, Peter leans on a wall, the coldness of which instantly burns up his back and makes him shake stronger, and slowly slides down it, sitting on the floor and putting the blade near him. Then he gets sick of fighting and starts to cry quietly, feeling tears rolling out of his eyes over his cheeks, succumbing to the wave of a panic attack, closing his face with his hands for two seconds, and running his fingers through his greasy hair.

After a few seconds of fighting with himself and his demons, the blond takes all his bracelets off his left hand, looking at every single one with sadness in his eyes and putting them near himself. Peter has always worn quite many bracelets and bandages on his hands, and has never shown his naked wrists. But it has not made anyone suspect something bad, and he makes people sure that he just loves wearing bracelets.