Y/N and the Avengers

Still (a)part

"Here we go", he said and you could hear him smiling a little. "Thank you", you whispered. "If you want to talk about something, just start whenever you are ready, okay?"
You felt his impatience of not knowing what was going on but you were thankful he gave you room. "Please tell Clint that... just..." You sighed. You didn't want Clint to feel bad, but you were also angry at all of them for not saving you. "Did you think Clint's dreams were a clue or did you think he was overreacting?" Bucky hesitated.
"What do you mean?" He hoped you didn't mean what he thought you meant.
"When Hydra had me." "Well... I...", he cleared his throat, "We thought you were just hiding, we tried to find you but we couldn't." "I told Clint that Hydra got me... Several times... Why was no one looking out for that? Why did no one think they got me? Y'all knew they wanted me." He sighed. "We just trusted your skills... I mean you left a letter with why you didn't want to stay." You stood up. "So if whoever leaves a letter, they aren't...", your voice broke off. "No, y/n...", he stood up as well, trying to put his hand on your cheek but you backed away, "We just thought that Clint was reading too much into it and that you simply didn't want to be found... That's it... as soon as we knew what was going on we did everything to get you." You sighed. "I just can't... if you'd have only looked out for me... I can't get this out of my head..." Bucky stayed silent, knowing you were right. Just one mistake that led you to lose everything.
"Bucky...", you whispered, "How am I supposed to get over this...? Not just that I was left alone. I mean all of it..." "You're strong, doll. Give it some time..." "How am I supposed to live like this...?" "You're not alone, okay? You might have been alone back then, but you're not alone anymore. We will always do whatever we can to help you." "Is it just because... of that...? I mean... are y'all there for me because y'all feel guilty? And not because of us being a family?" Your chest hurt and you hoped for Bucky to say "No, doll. We love you a lot. We would do the same if it wouldn't have happened."
But he didn't. He stayed silent for way too long and tears were rushing down your cheeks.
"Doll... it's not like that but... it's a reason as well, yes. But mostly it's because you're one of us." You shook your head. "I don't know Bucks... I..." You couldn't manage to talk further and Bucky sat down again. You wanted him to leave but at the same time, you didn't.
"Bucky... Are we a family? Be honest. Are we? Or am I not a part of it anymore?" "Of course you are, doll!", he said standing up and pulled you into a hug. The heaviness you have felt just a second ago vanished. You were still a part of this team and family.

"You have to at least drink something", Natasha said. "I can't... Then stop pulling out the feeding tube all the time... You...", she sighed, "you'll die if you don't get any water and food." 'So be it' you thought but didn't say out loud.
"Isn't the feeling disgusting though? Getting it in and out I mean?" "It is." "Then please stop..." You sighed and didn't know how to explain so Natasha would get it. "Nat, I can't! Okay? I just can't! I am not allowed." "But you are... Please just drink and eat something. Please don't do this all over again... Please." "What... what do you mean?", you asked confused and Nat gave you a weird look. "What do you mean?", she copied you. "Yeah, what do you mean by that?" "You don't know?" "Well... I don't know what you mean with what I don't know." Natasha sighed and was pacing around now.
"Please just take care of yourself. Please. Eat. Drink. Let the feeding tube in. Please." She was annoyed but you still didn't understand why. "Natasha..." "y/n..." "What?" "What do you mean 'what'?" "God, you're confusing me! Please stop talking to me in code! I. Don't. Get. It", you said irritated.
Clint rushed in and stood between you. "Okay, ladies, calm down. Why don't you get a coffee, Nat? Hm?" She rolled her eyes and left. "What was going on here?", Clint asked as soon as Natasha was gone. "I have no clue. She was talking about something happening again. Or not happening again? God, I have no clue."
He noticed the feeding tube now. "Oh. Oh, well, okay. Uhm... She probably meant that you shouldn't listen to what Hydra said to you." "They said something to me?" Clint looked clearly confused and was thinking hard.
"So... you aren't allowed to eat and drink, right?" "Yeah. Finally, someone who understands." "Do you know why?" You wanted to answer but there was none. "Well because...", you began, hoping it would come when you started to talk, "Well, I'm just not allowed to, someone forbid it. I never ate or drank something." You weren't even sure about that, but there was no other explanation coming to your mind.
"I see...", he said sighing. "Also..." You stopped but there was no turning back now because Clint was hooked on what you were going to say, "I get these bad images as soon as I... do things I'm not allowed to... and there is this pain as well and...", you sighed, "I just don't want this." "I get that. But they were messing with your head, you know? They manipulated you into thinking that. A human needs nutrition and water to survive. Otherwise, they die." "Who was messing with my head? When did this happen?" Clints eyes widened and he put his hands up behind his head, sighing loudly. "What?", you asked still confused. "Okay, let us...", he began and you could see how much he was thinking, taking several seconds if not even minutes to proceed with his answer, "I'll be right back. Stay here." Clint left and closed the door, you tried to open it as well but it was locked. "How am I supposed to leave anyways...?"