𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

please let me go

blue

everyone around me is expecting me to take dr. mandosa treatment trial. they aren't even considering the possibility that i may not want to go through it.

the treatment is pretty much the same as the treatment i went through when i was younger. i have to do chemo again, and i don't know if i'm ready to do that, i don't know if i want to do that.

i can feel the pressure. they want me to make it, they want me to do the chemo therapy, they want me to fight. they aren't thinking about what i want. i don't want to suffer again, i went through this, it was hell.

i was nauseous all the time, my hair fell out, i couldn't eat all the damn time, my skin was always dry and bleeding, it just wasn't a great time. i know everyone was telling me otherwise but i was ugly, i am not prepared to take this sacrifice once again. for all i know i may not make it, even if i went through the trial.

but i don't want to die, i really don't want to die. i just moved in with billie one week ago, i barely spent a year with her, my career is just beginning to see the light, there are a lot of things i still haven't gotten the chance to experience and i'm not ready to let go. i wish there was some other option out there, a middle ground of some kind, but i know there isn't one and i just have to accept that.

"where do you want to stay? home or at your dad's house?" billie asked me.

i'm getting discharged with some strict rules to take with me. i have to get back to dr. mandosa as soon as i made my decision so she can make out the paperwork for it. for now i'm just being let out on some extra medication and pills.

"no, i want to go home with you." i spoke up.

"okay, we're going home soon." billie smiled. she was trying to make me feel safe and that warms my heart but it doesn't make me feel any better. i've been here for four days, in this hospital room, i've barely eaten anything and i've barely spoken to anyone.

the girls came over at some point, they tried to get me to talk or even smile but i wasn't feeling it. even riley couldn't make me budge. i knew i had a terminal illness but for a second there, i thought i would beat it and die from old age or some shit.

i need a new kidney, no one is a match for me. which i guess could have been the middle ground but now death is on the plate for me.

it's funny cause i had to think about death since a very young age. an age where a child shouldn't even know what it means. from the age of nine up to nineteen i could have dropped dead at any moment, i thought i would die a handful of times even.

four years i thought i could leave the past behind, by the second year i completely forgot about death and was scared of it again. the last year made it not even cross my mind once. i was living life at its fullest, i was finally happy and now... i don't know if i'll ever be like that again.

i was wheeled into the car by a nurse, billie by my side. dad was driving up back to the apartment, he wanted me to stay with him. he has to blame someone for what happened to me and i know he's blaming billie because she spent the most time with me, she saw the symptoms i was having, and i know billie blames herself. i know neither of them would speak the truth of what they're feeling.

dad went as far as taking me back to our mattress making sure i rest there before he headed out the door. that's where i was all day, resting on my side, overthinking every possible senrio that could happen to my life, shedding trillions of tears and forcing food down my throat to have my pills.

billie still takes her pills at the same time as i do just like we've done for the past year now. it brings me comfort. she gets all her pills which are surprisingly about the same amount of pills that i have to take and she puts them all in her mouth at once, gets water and swallows them. amazes me every time she does it.