Empty

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Empty

"Yes, oh my god, I'm so excited." Tara says, smiling brightly making apples to form on her naturally pink cheeks.

"Oh, you don't know how excited I am since I've read the comics." Emma says, pointing to her Avengers muscle tee.

"What time is the movie again?" Harry asks, a smile on his face.

"Right after school at four." Emma smiles.

I watch the three of them converse, seeing them smiling and talking about the 'exciting' event after school. It's supposed to be exciting, but I'm not excited. I haven't been feeling the slightest bit excited the past few weeks. Instead, all that I have been feeling is emptiness and sadness.

It just feels like I am observing life through a screen- like I am not actually there. It feels as though I am just existing, barely living, struggling everyday. Some days are okay where I have just enough energy to make it through the day. But other days are hard. Really hard. On those days I just feel like staying in bed and crying- from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. It just feels like there's always a hard weight on my chest, pushing me down and making me feel so empty.

Though, the worst thing about this is that I can't control it and I don't know why I feel this way. And it's not even like I am sad, I just feel so overwhelmingly empty where I just hate everything and everyone.

"Amber?" Harry asks, looking at me with the corners of his mouth curving downwards. Emma and Tara look at me too, curious eyes trying to figure out what is up with me.

"Hmm?" I raise my eyebrows.

"What's up?"

"Oh, nothing- I'm just stressed." I say, my voice slow.

Emma and Tara continue looking at me for another second, before they look away and continue talking about The Avengers and what might happen in the movie. But Harry continues looking, a knowing look on his face. I look down at my hands resting on my legs, twiddling my thumbs together as I shift under his gaze.

I look up again, suddenly feeling like crying. I want them to know how I feel. I want someone to talk to, to understand, to know the pain inside of my chest. But I can't. I feel as though if I do, they will be thinking that I am craving for attention and want pity. I don't want pity though, that is one of the last things I want.

I blink back my tears, seeing Harry give me a soft look before I tear my eyes away from him and look back at my hands. From the corner of my eye, I see movement: Harry moving away from the lockers and sitting besides me against a classroom door.

His arm presses against mine as we sit in the hallway during lunch, Emma's and Tara's voices the only noise we hear. I tuned out what they were saying long time ago, their conversation not interesting me- nothing interests me nowadays. Instead, I focus on Harry, feeling the heat from his arm transferring onto mine. The contact makes me take a relaxing breath, finally feeling as though a friend is there for me.

All to soon, lunch is finished and we all split ways to go to class. I just sat in my seat, half paying attention, half zoned out, making my teacher pick on me to answer a question. Normally, I would have freaked out if that happened, with my social anxiety and not having completed the homework. But I just took my time not really caring, thinking about how to conjugate the verb, and ending up getting it correct since I am not too bad at verb conjugations.

When the bell rang, I was the first one out of the room just wanting to be out of this hell hole. I honestly don't feel like watching the movie at all, a guilty feeling rising inside of me. I'm a horrible friend.

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