Shattered Vows

November 2nd

sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

- unknown

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November 2nd:

Her eyes are like icicles, bitter and edged to a sharpness. She glares at him with contempt. To mask her real emotion and convince herself that he is the problem. Nico Richardson is her ruin. Jules needs to distance herself before he takes total destruction over her life. He is the iniquity she has spent her whole life running away from, only to nearly escape its trap.

She's avoided him all week. She sees him in the halls before he sees her; it would be impossible not to notice how people swarm around him as if he is a magnetic force. A pull she just barely escaped unscathed. She's spent her whole life hiding in the shadows that she finds easy. Slipping out of class seconds before the bell rings, spending only minimal time at her locker. She dresses in bland clothing so as not to separate her from the bunch. She's quiet and mute throughout the day.

Having felt the shift in the energy surrounding Jules, Fay confronted her on the third day of her silence. They were sitting in their room, Jules tucked in the corner of her bed. She picked at her nail beds until they bled, her knees knocking together absentmindedly. She looked forlorn, staring at the wall, her lips pulled down into a deep frown.

"I made a mistake," she hissed, narrowing her eyes. She doesn't look Fay in the eye, focusing her attention on a scratch near the top of her head. It is easier, this way, to close herself off.

"What do you mean by mistake?" Fay asks softly.

"My mother was a whore. She slept with so many men I couldn't keep track of after my fourth birthday." She grinds her teeth, her jaw set hard.

"Enjoying sex doesn't make you a whore," Fay interjects, her voice level but stern. There are things in her life that she hasn't disclosed to Jules. Situations that she hasn't admitted to herself. But there is one thing for certain, she will never be shamed for her sexual desires. Not by anyone.

"I just mean she had sex with them to prove she could, not because she wanted to. It was like she wanted to find something to fill the void in her. Because for some reason, I wasn't enough. She tried and tried for years until she finally gave up and let the darkness win."

"I'm sorry," Fay expresses, unsure what else there is for her to say. When Jules finally chooses to look up, she stuns Fay with the nothingness in her sad blue eyes. Fay stares into the bleakness of the blue hue. She saw none of the light that, if even a little spark, had been there before.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Jules shrugs, "I don't care."

But that is a lie. All her life had been spent caring. Avoiding friendships, never letting herself get close to another person, that had all been her mother. Even in her grave, she's managed to control Jules' life with her own selfishness. And Jules lets her, only because she knows nothing else. Because she isn't strong enough to stand up for herself when she isn't even sure what it is she truly wants.

"That doesn't make it ok-" Fay begins, but Jules stops her.

"I said I don't care, ok?" She hisses, glaring out the window. "I made a mistake with Nico. A stupid mistake that I have to fix immediately."

She's pulled from her thoughts when a shoulder bumps into hers. She doesn't have to look over to know it's him. Her body reacts, itching to lean into the touch or poke him in the shoulder, but she resists. Instead, she sets her sights on something far across the cafeteria, not bothering to say anything.