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KALI DIDN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING OTHER than small patches and blotches of yesterdayʼs events. She remembered her mind going foggy and dizzy, she remembered switching off the lights and helping Billy out, she remembered being slammed against the wall by Eleven, she remembered going after Mike —
Holy shit. No. No way. No, no, no, no, no. She hit him. She hit one of the kids. She went after them all.
She remembered Elevenʼs screams, the heartbroken sobs of her baby sister as she collapsed to the ground, so exhausted after having to restrain Kali. Her own sister. She remembered the betrayal on their faces, she remembered the tears in all of their eyes as she ran away with Billy.
Now, as she sat in an unknown bathroom with absolutely no memory of being there, she clutched onto her knees and broke down. She cried and she cried and she cried until she was lying in a pool of her own vomit. She was unravelled, a total mess of a human. Kali had never felt so much emotion in her life until this day. Sure, she'd cried at times, but she'd never sobbed. Never this much.
But, as she replayed the last couple of days in her head, she couldn't stop it. Hurting Nancy, leaving everyone, hurting Mike, the look of pure horror in Jonathanʼs eyes, the betrayal behind Elevenʼs expression, the fear they all held for her. In twenty four hours, she'd hurt more than half of the people she loved. Whether it was physically or mentally, or both, she'd hurt them.
At the beginning of this summer, things were so good. For the very first time in her life, Kali was happy. Optimistic. Human. She was motivated, excited and smiley. Things were great. She had a family, friends, a girlfriend. She had hope, love and a life. How did all that come crashing down in the space of a night? How did she manage to destroy every single thing she'd worked for in one day?
Kali didn't care that it was the mind flayer inside her, because she still did those things. That was still her hurting them all. She could've fought against it, she knew she had the strength to do so, but she didn't. Because Kali was weak now. Two years ago, if some monster got inside her head like that, she would've crushed it. Now, she could bearly crush glass. All these people, all these feelings, all this hope — it made her weak. It made her lower down her guard and break all that heavy armour she built to protect herself.
But it wasn't about protecting herself anymore; it was about protecting them. She needed that armour back again. For Jonathan, for Riley, for Nancy, for Mike, for Lucas, for Will, for Max, for Eleven, for Hopper, for Joyce for Cole, for Dustin, even for Steve. These people meant a great deal to her now, and she couldn't bare to hurt them any more than she already had. The mistake was caring about them in the first place. The mistake was falling in love.
In the beginning, Kali knew this would happen. She knew she was never worthy of all lifeʼs treats. She knew she couldn't handle such powerful feelings. In the beginning, she never would've opened herself up to all this risk. But then Nancy came along and enchanted her into a life full of colour, blinded her into seeing only roses and magical gardens. Nancy made her selfish. Nancy made her love. Love was selfish. For somebody like Kali Hopper, love was the most selfish thing she could ever have. Her love was dangerous. She wasn't sure if she could take it anymore.
