she, conrad fisher

10

"conrad." i placed my hand on his shoulder, feeling a wave of sadness falling over me too.

instantly, he got up and began pacing around. he was word vomiting with how he had been feeling and everything that was bothering him this entire summer so far. he had kept all this in for so long. i stood up seeing that he was starting to lose himself in how he was feeling. his hands began to shake and he sounded like he was quietly gasping for air. his face was drenched in tears and although his cries were silent, i had never seen anyone in this much distress before.

he was having a panic attack.

i was panicking trying to remember what i had learned about what to do in these types of situations. i didn't want to smother him but i didn't get how to get him to stop pacing and just sit. thinking quick, i gently grabbed conrad, guiding him to sit on the cool tile. sitting beside him, i grabbed his hand, placing it in mine so it would stop shaking while his other hand stayed on his chest.

"hey, you're okay. i'm with you." i calmly told him, even though i was feeling the exact opposite on the inside.

conrad's breathing was still harsh but it seemed like me speaking was helping. well, it was relying on that assumption since he hadn't pushed me away yet.

"can you hear the waves? see the moon up there? feel how cool the tile is?" i paused between each question, reading somewhere about this and hoping it would help ground him.

all conrad did was nod, helplessly. and so for a few minutes, i sat with him in silence, trying to help him catch his breath.

the strands of his loose brown hair had stuck to the top of his forehead with how much he had been sweating. carefully, i pushed them back so his face felt more clear. i didn't even care that my hand was damp from his sweat, he just finally seemed like he was okay. that was all that mattered.

what caught me by surprise was the way he shot up back to his feet. it was like now that he was back to normal, he just wanted to get away from me. i could agree with him that i had been sat too close to him this entire time, but the circumstances were so different and i never had any alterier motive. i had a feeling that he knew that too. that's why i was so confused.

"get away from me." he sounded so upset, and my heart instantly sunk.

i stood up from the ground, backing away to make him feel more comfortable.

"i'm sorry. i was just trying to help. i should have asked you if i could." i instantly admitted to what i thought he wanted me to admit to, but it did nothing for him.

"i don't need you. i-i don't care about you enough for you to feel like you needed to do- all this." his eyebrows were furrowed and what killed me was the look of pure hatred in his eyes.

it was a look i never thought conrad could give.

"i crossed a line. i am so sorry conrad." the tears in my eyes were building up uncontrollably.

"just stay away from me." the words were like a slap to the face.

i nodded because i couldn't manage to swallow the painful lump in my throat.

"this entire night, none of it happened. remember that." he said those final words and stormed away from me.

what had i just done?

the last time i had cried was the first time my sister had visited from college a few months ago. now? now i found myself frantically attempting to wipe the tears spilling from my eyes. however, with every tear i wiped, within seconds another tear was there to follow. i had finally given up and just stood there, silently crying.

the lights in the fisher house were still on and the though of anyone catching me out here in this state, scared me. i ran back into my dark house. for once i was thankful my parent's weren't up and around, waiting up for me. i ran up the stairs, making my way to my room where i shut the door behind me and sobbed even harder.

i kept replaying conrad's face. the way he had looked at me. no matter what conrad had said, the look in his eyes had convinced me that he truly meant every word. any of those times from before where i had felt like he might have hated me or seemed off with me made sense now. this entire time he had been putting up with me because he simply had to.

my body hurt. every single part of it. it wasn't just my heart. i was the biggest idiot in the world for thinking conrad could be sat thinking about me or even letting me in the entire time i knew him. just because i had this mall crush on him and felt like he would play into it at times, i needed to remember this was conrad after all.

i was there by convenience, not because he needed me.

-

conrad

i had rushed past belly, jere, and steven who were all left concerned and confused as to what the hell had just happened to me. i didn't have it in me to play it off because i knew one look in their eyes would have me in tears. on my way up the stairs i could here jeremiah mumble something about me being in one of my moods again, and that seemed to convince everyone to leave me be.

i locked my bedroom door behind me and the tears began spilling down my face like a knocked over drink. i was so mad at myself. i was mad at the fact that i had told maisie what she now knew. thank god i hadn't rambled on more about mom's cancer being back. i was also mad at the way i had let maisie in enough to allow her to comfort me through what had just happened. i should have left the moment i felt it coming.

and what i felt the worst about was the way i had talked to her. the way i spoke to her. the way i had looked at her when i said it all. i could see her fall apart. it was all in her face. at the same time, i didn't know why maisie had even been enough for me to put her in the position i did. that night i had first saw her, i had made i promise to myself that she wouldn't matter. with the way i had let myself get distracted all this time, i was done with her.

i hated maisie for that. it wasn't her fault. none of what had just happened tonight was. but even the way she had helped me just now, it wasn't enough for me allow myself to entertain whatever i had led her to believe about us, even being friends. all this time i had been so stupid hanging around her, just the two of us. i didn't have the time for her or any of this.

who i really needed was my mom, and not just now. i needed her for sending me off to college. i needed her for when i would get into med school. i needed her for when i would get my first real paycheck. i needed her for when i would get married. i needed her for when i would have kids. i needed her in order to live life.

there was absolutely no one else in the world i could want more than my mom.

-

rough chapter huh....

dont know if this is going to sit well with everyone but we might be tapping into that enemies to lovers bit. i just couldnt realistically write conrad just letting some girl he met for a summer in right away with his mother dying.

i promise we will get to the lovers arc eventually tho.

hope u all enjoyed xo