99 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date

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Note: Many of these you shouldn’t say on any date.

1. “I think I’m in love with you.”

2. “I brought a U-Haul with me.  How’s the closet space in your apartment?”

3. “You know who is really making good music these days?  Nickelback.  I feel like Chad Kroeger just gets me.”

4. “The last movie I saw?  The new Adam Sandler movie.  Because you know what’s funny?  Hitting people in the face.”

5. “Yeah, my boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday.  No, I’m okay, I swear.”

6. “I deactivated my OKCupid account for you.  I just feel like this is it.”

7. “Who are you texting?  What is their name?  Are they hotter than I am?”

8. “Oh, I just assumed you’d pay.”

9. “Eat off your plate without asking?  Don’t mind if I do!”

10. “I think you and my mom would really get along.  What are you doing Sunday?”

11. “Well, I’ve never been in a relationship before, because I don’t think I believe in love.”

12. “Sorry that picture of me was from ten years ago.  I swear I don’t have a more recent photo.”

13. “Him over there…don’t you think he’s hot? Let’s see if we can have a threesome with him.”

14. “OMG, this should be our song!”

15. “There’s something really sexy about Scrooge McDuck.”

16. “I don’t think women are funny.  Especially lesbians.”

17. “My Dad is my best friend.  I’m looking for a partner that’s just like him.”

18. “Michele Bachmann is going to make a great president someday. “

19. “Let me tell you the funniest period story.”

20. “I bet you’re a dirty pig, aren’t you?”

21. (total silence)

22. “You know, I don’t think I’m really over my ex.”

23. “I’m only looking for someone who can financially support me.”

24. “Oh my God, I hate all my exes.  I am now going to list every single bad thing they ever did wrong, starting with Ricky Richardson in first grade.”

25. “What I said wasn’t racist.  I swear I’m not racist.  I voted for Obama.  We live in a post-racial society.”

26. “You should probably know that I have a jealous ex who is into Krav Maga?…What’s Krav Maga?  Oh, nothing.  Just Israeli Street Fighting.  He tried to rip out someone’s balls once.  No big deal.”

27. “For me, Twilight represents the ideal relationship.  I’m really looking for someone to be the Edward Cullen in my life.”

28. “LOL.”

29. “Wait, that’s your sister?  I know her.  She’s totally hot.  I think I might have hooked up with her once when I was drunk.”

30. “So, how many kids do you want?”

31. “When we move in together…”

32. “A woman’s place is in the home.”

33. “No, I’m not on Facebook right now.”

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