(39) Love vs. Lust

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“Its fine, you can sleep in Conner’s room,” I replied. Cole nodded his head in agreement, not looking irritated by what I said at all.

“I’m going to go to bed,” I whispered, awkwardly, not sure what to say or do further.

“Ok, goodnight Gabby,” Cole said, smiling at me. His smile warmed my insides and I wanted to hug him so badly but managed to stop myself before I did. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore then I already did this morning and I was way too confused to understand my own feelings.

I dragged myself to bed, changed into a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top and then crawled in under the comforter. My heart was aching to switch on the cd’s that Gordon had made for me but I didn’t want Cole to hear them. It took me forever to fall asleep and when I did I had the worst dream ever. It didn’t make any sense and I was sure that it wasn’t a memory but it was terrifying.

I was standing at Gordon’s grave. He had just been buried but there was nobody else there. Nobody to say goodbye to him and nobody to comfort me. I was all alone and it scared the hell out of me. I woke up with a jerk as a loud piercing scream escaped my mouth. I threw my hand up trying to stop the sound from escaping but it was too late. The sound of my scream echoed through the silent house as my heart raced in my chest.

My bedroom door flew open revealing Cole in his boxers. The light was off but my bedside lamp was on and I could clearly see the worried look on his face.

“What happened?” he asked, walking into my room.

“I… I had a bad dream,” I stuttered, still trying to calm down.

“Are you ok?” he asked, his voice thick with concern. I thought about his question for a second before answering. I could have lied and said yes but I didn’t want to. I wanted to tell him the truth. My dream scared the crap out of me and I didn’t want to be alone.

“No, I’m not ok,” I replied, honestly.

“What’s wrong? Do you need me to take you to the hospital?” Cole asked, panicking. His words made me smile.

“Why are you smiling?” he asked, baffled.

“I’m not hurt, I’m just confused,” I replied.

A look of understanding crossed his face and he took another step closer, crouching down beside my bed. His presence helped me relax. I didn’t want him to leave, in fact I wanted him much closer so I moved over in my bed and patted the space next to me.

“Are you sure?” Cole asked.

“Yip, now get in before I change my mind,” I joked. Cole got up and sat down next to me on my bed making sure not to touch me.

“I had a memory of Gordon this morning,” I whispered, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk about it but it felt like I had to.

“When we were in the pool?” Cole asked, looking at me worriedly.

“Yea,” I replied as the image of me and Gordon kissing filled my mind again.

“What did you remember?” he questioned. I hesitated, could I really tell him? Did I want to tell him that I remembered kissing Gordon while I was kissing him?

“It’s ok, you can tell me,” Cole whispered softly, taking my hand in his. It was the first time that he touched me since I freaked out this morning and it felt comforting.

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