Unrequited Love

Chapter 17 (POV: Leo)

                                                                                         Leo:

    Growing up in a conservative Christian household confused me the most. I would say religious people are the most hateful and judgmental people I have ever met. All I see when I look at them are hypocritical humans who have to believe in something that is not real in order to believe that there is meaning to life. People believe in God for one reason: comfort. Isn't it discomforting to know humans have no actual purpose in life? For me, I feel no discomfort at all when I think of this, in fact it is somewhat comforting to know I have no real reason to be living on this earth. I will make one up as I go, I will eventually find a reason to live; maybe it will be a job, a partner, or maybe to raise a kid. I tried staying in California throughout my college years, but I ended up transferring to NYU my last year of college- it was unexpected but I do not think I could have gone another day living in that dreadful state.

My dating life has never been successful, in fact- I never really have been in love. I only have dated guys in my life, but for some reason I always had this hate towards each guy I have dated- that I was never able to explain. I used to confuse hate for being love- maybe because I was raised a certain way. Girls are supposed to like boys, boys are supposed to like girls. If someone finds out you have been with another girl when you are one yourself- something is wrong with you, you are not normal. Throughout my dating life with boys, I have occasionally been with girls, but it never was anything more than a one night stand.

Love is something I never have felt for someone of the other gender. I find them rather disgusting, the way they eye every single women they see, thinking they can sexualize women because of what they wear, calling women names when they get rejected, having no self awareness when it comes to them making women feel uncomfortable; there is this internal misogyny I see in each cis man I have met, and the sex has never enjoyable to me. Men's bodies have always repulsed me, I used to have to force myself to have sex with them- as if it was my job to preform- to be normal. To put up an act. 

I have always liked women, in fact I have only liked women my whole life- I just learned to bury that feeling deep down.

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New York City, I have been a couple times before moving there- but every time I take the subway, I always end up getting off at the wrong station. I feel like I am reading a different language sometimes when it comes to trying to get around the city.

Being a fashion major, I try to look as presentable as possible, that day I wore a dark blue shirt that I tucked into my macaroon cream color tucked shorts, along with a light brown belt. My curly hair was finally starting to dry from my shower that I had took right before leaving. I had a meeting in upper Manhattan that day, of course I got lost trying to find the Grand Central Terminal. I was in a rush and the fast pace of New York City was starting to get to me. That is when I ran into her, she was wearing a pants suit that seemed a little too big for her and her blonde hair was tied in a messy pony tail, her skin was pale, and she wore no makeup. I was infatuated by her the moment I saw her- even though that moment was me looking down at her after she fell because of me. She looked young and was lighter than expected when I helped her back up. And as soon as I apologized, she walked away. I couldn't let someone like her leave, I could feel my heart racing when I grabbed her wrist pulling her back.

"Actually" She looked at me with a surprised look on her face, "Do you know how I can get to the Grand Central Terminal?"

I wanted to smile when she agreed to walk me there, but I held it back. I could not stop staring at her, her eyes were green like the color of fresh grass, she wore no ring on her hand- she was not married.

She looked up at me, "Are you a student?"

She finally started walking slower, I noticed a beauty mark on her lower right chin. I smiled and told her I had just transferred to NYU, she smirked. It was cute, but I was curious why she smirked- I didn't want her to think of me as just some young immature college student.

"I went to NYU too"

I was shocked when she told me this, I asked if she just graduated because she looked young enough to be fresh out of college- but mentally seemed much older, so I probably was wrong.

"I'm twenty nine" She said to me. It almost shocked me enough to stop in the middle of us walking to the terminal. She was eight years older than me, later to find out she was actually nine years older than me- almost a whole decade. She stopped walking and told me we were there, I almost forgot she was only walking with me to show me where the subway station was. She turned around to leave, it was like deja vu, when I asked where she was going, she turned back with a confused look on her face, pointed to the terminal and told me the station was right there. I did not want to annoy her but I couldn't help myself.

I walked up to her, "Can I get your number or something?" I told her my name, she said hers was Ren- what an interesting name. I wanted to ask why she was named Ren, instead I said, "Well Ren, let's plan a date."

I didn't know what she was going to say, she looked at me and asked, "A date?"

I thought to myself ' well Leo, fucking yolo',

"Yeah. If you want"

She smirked again, "What makes you assume that I'm single? Or that I'm into girls?"

I really didn't assume anything, it was my first time asking a girl on a real date. I tried sounding cool by saying, "A hunch I guess?"

She laughed, "That obvious huh?"

It was not obvious, but the way her voice was lower pithed, the oversized pants suit she wore that made it looked like she was flat chested, the messy hair with no makeup- maybe it was a hunch. But, I think I fell in love the moment I laid eyes on her.

I went back to my college dorm and tried to wait a bit before texting her- I didn't want to come off as weird or anything.

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I was shocked when I found out Ren had a roommate, and even more shocked when I met her roommate, Yuri. I thought it was cute how Yuri had a fun nickname for Ren. Calling her 'Little Rice Cake', it was cute how close they were- at first. I was so naive, at one point I wanted to turn a blind eye. - No at one point, I convinced myself into believing the truth was nothing but a lie.

It was one night when the three of us were watching a movie at Ren's apartment. Ren and I were not dating officially at the time. My head was lying on Ren's thighs as I laid across the living room couch and Yuri was sitting on the chair to the side. I ended up falling asleep, my head facing up towards the ceiling, still lying on Ren. I do not know how long it had been, but I slowly opened my eyes and when I did, I saw Ren and Yuri kissing. Ren was looking up at Yuri, I could not see either of their faces, but I could see their lips touching. I quickly closed my eyes and a few second later, I felt Ren's hand touch my hair.

I did not move, I could not move- what did I just see? Was Ren actually kissing Yuri? No. I must be dreaming, this must be a dream. I will wake up any minute now and see Yuri sitting on the chair and Ren still watching the movie. What just happened- did not really happen. 

But that was not true at all.