Unrequited Love

Chapter 15

    Rain drops hitting the glass windows of my living room for the past couple of days. I sat on my leather couch drinking a can of beer at nine in the morning. A cold Sunday, nothing better to do but sit inside all day watching the rain fall from the sky- dreading the thought of having to go to work the next day. Sometimes I think I should get a cat or something, maybe it will help distract me from my own depressing thoughts. But I never liked animals to begin with, at least not the thought of having to care for one.

I don't know why I exist, perhaps humans have no real purpose to begin with. Life is real depressing when you think about it, we are all born to die. The circle of life, no one really questions our existence or the earth's existence. It seems as if we just work to one day retire, then our death follows soon after- that is, if you make it that far. In the middle of this process, you distract yourself by doing what other's consider to be 'fun'; drinking, sex, going on vacation, meeting new people, falling in love. I would be lying if I said I did not do any of these things I just mentioned. Children have the easier end of things, I think that is why I despise them the most. They have never once doubted their existence in this world, so rather there is a sense of jealously on my part. To be so naive and unaware, it is a blessing. Children are the receivers in this world, illogical thinkers who do not understand anything themselves. So full of life and energy, not yet realizing that they are meaningless creatures in this world that does not evolve around them like they think it does.

Why should her existence matter to me when I do not even care about my own? Maybe it is because I dislike anyone that expects me to love them. I think that may be why I have never given Yuri a chance to express her love to me.

"Hey little rice cake" Yuri did not sound like her usual bubbly self. She sat down next to me on the couch, "Drinking this early?"

"Don't act like you don't do the same" I didn't mean to come off so harsh, but I already was judging myself for drinking at nine in the morning.

"I'm moving" I sat up when she told me this. She was looking at the living room window, watching the rain as it hit the glass, "Not far"

"Where?"

"Brooklyn" She turned towards me with a sad expression on her face, "A member of my band is moving there and asked me if I wanted to room with her"

"Are you two dating?"

She forcefully laughed, "Not at all, she has a boyfriend" Implying the person she was moving in with wasn't into women.

"Why don't you just stay here?"

"It's been ten years" Yuri let out a sigh, "I just don't think I can do this any longer"

"Do what?" I don't understand, I wanted to tell her why she should stay with me but I could not think of any good reasons other than she really would not have to pay rent, or for my own selfish reasons.

She looked at me then gently placed her hand on top of mine as it rested on the couch, "This whole time I have been in love with you" She moved her hand away from me, "You probably think I was just using you for my own sexual desires whenever we had sex" She lightly laughed, "But the only reason I started having sex with you was because I thought that would be the only way I could have a piece of you. A way to make you mine, in my own selfish way. But you are never going to be mine, no matter how long I wait. I can't go on living my life in love with someone who doesn't feel the same, I thought I would be fine having an unrequited love, but I'm not okay and I've never been okay."

"So that's why you're moving? To run away from your feelings?"

"In a way, I guess so" We sat there in silence for a moment, "I'm moving today"

I stood up from the couch grabbing the other beer can that was full, "If that will make you happy then I won't try to stop you."

I didn't look at her, I didn't want to. I couldn't help but feel hurt, I felt my heart clench tightly- as if I couldn't breathe. What is this feeling. The feeling that makes you want to fall on the floor, as if someone is stabbing you in the chest multiple times. I want to cry, I want Yuri to come in my room and hold me tight- the way she always does at night. Am I that pitiful? I lived my whole life never being able to feel love towards someone... or was that just me convincing myself that I never felt that way. Was it me constantly lying to myself that I never have been in love or was it that growing up I never knew what love was?

But it was in front of me this whole time, I was constantly receiving love. Now I am all alone because I refused to expect it, I refused to understand it.

I refused to love her back.