ted talks

just ed things

everybody always told me that i was eating too much or that i'm gonna be fat in a few years when i don't stop eating - so i stopped. i starved myself until i felt like dying. i skipped every possible meal and didn't eat for days beacause it made me feel good. it made me feel powerful. seeing the number on the scale getting lower and lower. realizing that people got worried about me because i lost so much weight. it made me feel like i was flying but on the other hand i felt like i was falling. i'm not romanticizing my eating disorder but it's like there's a devil and an angel on both of my shoulders. the devil tells me to keep going, to starve myself and especially to lose weight until i'm even lower than i was a few months ago but the angel tells me that i shouldn't listen to that voice and that i should keep my body and myself save because food is fuel and you need nourishment to function properly. i lost so much because of my eating disorder and it's not about the things like my period or the hair loss - i lost myself. i don't know who i am without my eating disorder. i don't know what it's like to eat without a constant fear - i used to love food and i always ate what i wanted at that exact moment. but what does that feel like? i don't know anymore. i only eat because i have to not because i like it. i eat because people tell me to and they get mad when i start starving myself again. it's an undying cycle of doing what i want but also what might satisfy people around me. i don't actually want to starve myself or throw up anything i eat, i'm just trying to find a coping mechanism but they just seem to be more unhealthy every time.