Chapter 1 - I don't feel good

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Jade POV

I am tired. All the time, every minute. At the moment I am so exhausted that it almost makes me feel empty. That I have no strength to think about other things. And I don't know why. A few weeks ago Jed and I broke up. Amicably, without discussions, without hard goodbyes. Of course it's a strange feeling, of course it hurt to let him go. After all, we had been a couple for two years. But I also knew it was long overdue. I loved him, I really did. But not in the way you should love your long-term boyfriend, I loved him more like my best friend. We both blamed it on the distance. That it was impossible to have a relationship when you both work on different continents, when you never actually have time for each other. Long-distance relationships are hard, especially when nothing is going to change anytime soon, or even ever.

We blamed it on the fact that we see each other far too rarely, that as a result the romance, the affection and ultimately the feelings were gone. And certainly that was also a factor. And that's why distance is the official reason for the breakup, which Jed and I both made public on Instgram. But deep down I knew that this was not the whole truth. That Jed not only disappeared from my thoughts entirely at times due to the distance, but was almost driven away by another person. And this person was always present and I can never turn that off.

Thinking of her was a mixture of numerous feelings. Joy, pure happiness and then immediately anger and finally sadness because it could never be reciprocated again. Because I would never feel her closeness again. Because she would never be mine again. And that made me so sad some days that I had difficulty being near her, that I tried to withdraw with all my might and just be for myself and alone. So as not to reveal what was really going on inside me. So as not to show how I was really feeling. As always, I tried vehemently to hide my feelings. And as so often, I succeeded.

In the past, a long time ago, Perrie saw through me most of the time. Whenever I wanted to pull back, put on the mask and play strong, Perrie was there offering a shoulder to cry on. She held me when I needed to let myself go. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry. She loved me when I felt unloved. She calmed me down when the negative thoughts just got too much. She was there for me. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions asked.

But times change. Perrie has Alex now.

And no matter how hard I try to just accept this fact and how much I resolved to stop mourning the time when things were different, it didn't work. After breaking up with Jed, I didn't think about him for a second, I only thought about Perrie. At first it felt wrong. Like I was emotionally cheating on Jed before I realised that I had actually been doing that for the whole two years of the relationship without knowing it. Before I realised that we weren't even together anymore, that I could feel what I wanted without feeling guilty. And yet I did feel guilty. I was single, but Perrie was not. I was unhappy, but Perrie was happy. While I simply couldn't forget her and move on, Perrie already did.

As a result, I was determined once and for all to put those feelings aside and forget about Perrie. To only see her for what she ultimately is. My band member, my best friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

But this was easier said than done. Rather, it turned out to be impossible to simply turn off these feelings. And nothing was more frustrating than that. Desperate, I finally decided to withdraw completely. I backed away from Perrie every time she touched me, and later from the other girls, so as not to make it too noticeable. Whenever I felt the tears welling up, I turned away. Whenever Perrie stared at me, I looked the other way. At first, the other girls couldn't understand. How could they? But when I finally confessed that Jed and I were done for good, they understood and gave me the space I supposedly needed.

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