One of the missing pages of the past was one of the only pages that spoke the truth. The only page that spoke what was really happening. The only page that didn’t mention my war with me, the only page that mentioned something that I wanted to look back at and smile. Maybe even cry, it made me want to go back to the day and do something I didn’t get to do. The only page that made me want to cry because I felt alive again. It was the page that had been, very cleverly, ripped out of my history. The page that had been ripped out to try to rip out that part of my life. The only part that I wanted to remember… and the only part that actually hurt enough to want to choke to death.
A page of my diary had been ripped out… the page that made a difference… the only page that made the only difference…
It was a beautiful evening. The wind was cool against my skin and the rustling leaves were my background music. Everybody thought the weather wasn’t the ideal weather for a wedding… but it was as great as it could be to be. It had never been better. There was an overpowering joy inside my heart. A joy that made it hard for me to put away my smile… a joy that made it a little difficult to breath. A joy that was a little too good to be true… but it was happening. Really, truly happening.
My dress was pearl white and long. The delicate diamond band in my ring finger was more beautiful than ever. It made me feel even more beautiful. The pearls in my hair felt like white petals and the white petals in my way felt like puffy clouds hugging the ground on which I walked. A subtle, placid smile from across the room made my heart flutter. A pair of green eyes that shone like emeralds and reflected my smile from far away… made me feel as if I was in the safest place ever. And that hand reaching out for me made me a little tense… but in a good way. As if a happy place called out my name… and I wasn’t far.
A jealous leaf fell from the enormous experienced tree above him and fell at his foot. The day was still perfect and it was still mine. It felt as if I had won big time. I felt like I was on top of the whole world… like nothing could go wrong… I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking that it was a little too good to be true… but I wasn’t thinking so because I was confident that there was nothing that could spoil the day for me. Nothing at all. The walk down the beautifully decorated aisle felt like the longest walk I’d ever walked… and I enjoyed every second of it… lavishly.
The long walk was finally over and I was near enough to grab the hand that had been stretched out way too long. The day just couldn’t have gotten better… but it did. My heart jumped inside my chest and I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks… all just like the very first time. An illusory smoke spread around me and the pastel attired crowd seemed to vanish. The sky turned dark and a billion tiny lights filled the world around me making it look breathtaking. But what was before me was better. Everything was so bright and sparkly, mesmerizing every fibre of my existence. But the star that shone the brightest was the one in his bright green eyes. The hurtfully beautiful thing was still the adorable smile that pulled at the corner of his mouth and bared his slightly imperfect teeth.
There was something even more perfect than that… something that made all the difference in the world… all the glitter and sparkle was on the outside and belonged to everyone… but the most mesmerizing thing was mine… soon to be tied to me legally as well. It felt a little too good to know that the best thing in the world was going to be mine. Those eyes were mine to drown into… forever and ever… and those arms were to hold me tight whenever the thunder scared me. Customary thought… I know… it still felt unique.
In his eyes I could see my worth. I could see what I meant… I could see a thousand different interpretations of me that I had never known of before… they made me feel beautiful. Holding hands in the most gentle way ever… I could feel as if I was in space and weighed nothing… I was but a mere feather… a delicate one. One that he was going to look after with care… immense heed and affection. In his eyes I could see that he thought my deep brown eyes were the deepest and beautiful eyes ever. I could see how my smile made his heart skip a beat… just this once… like mine just did. I could see the same things in him that I felt in myself. I‘d never been so infatuated before… but I wasn’t the only one. For this once… just this once… I felt like ‘Truly-Madly-Deeply’ wasn’t all words… it was as true… as mad and as deep and they said it would be. It felt good to know they don’t lie all the time.
I felt lucky to experience whatever I had heard and read all my life. In a matter of minutes we were both saying our vows, promising our lives… entrusting them with love to one another. It was as if we were actually handing over our lives to each other at the time… giving the other one complete authority… and taking back just as much. It was no deal and it did not matter. Whatever came to mind… I said it out loud… I was pretty sure I made a million blunders while speaking… but who cares… he was just as lost as I was… and I knew he was getting the crux of it all just the way I meant it… not the way I said it. It made sense to him…like a song in a language from out of this world that only the two of us could understand… only we could speak. Nobody else existed.
With our vows said and done and the legal formality behind us… we were off. Setting out for the horizon… letting go of the rest of the world just holding on to one another. It was much safer to have that one person hold you close than the entire world lending a hand. Things were all sparkly and fairy-tale… when the one thing I hadn’t thought about forced it way between us and gave me the shock of my life. He turned his face to look at me and within split seconds… he was turning the wheel madly trying to stabilize the car once again. We were on a deserted long… long road and I screamed. The car crashed into a pole and he flew out the front glass. Little chucks of glass flew across my face and made me bleed… almost to death… but only inside. I sat there horrofied by how everything had been snatched away from me in a matter of seconds. I felt like i was the most powerful being, like I had all the power in the world in my palms that were now shaking with fear, and now... it was all over. My world had been snatched away, my ground had crumbled and my own confidence was closing in on me like huge walls. I couldnt breathe...
I lived and tried to rationalize how my whole life just went away like that with a scratch from a thick chuck of glass. I can feel the pain fresh in every inch of my body every time I turn back to look at the ancient picture of him. It’s like an earthquake within me every time my eyes go back to the lonely picture hanging on the wall. The picture of the soldier who borrowed and then lost my heart somewhere… it hung on the wall. He smirked at my vulnerability. His beautiful smile still mocked me and told me that I was never going to be able to hear that charming laugh… I was never going to hold those hands… I was never going to be able to go into my own world in those eyes…
They said I was lucky… I made it alive. Was I? Was I really the lucky one? My opinion is completely different. He was the one who made a promise and stole my heart and took the easy way out of life… out of this world. He was scared to have to be as faithful as me… and so he took the easy way out and left me alone… all alone. A promise hanging in the air around me… choking me at times… but still remaining as vivid as ever. I am here… and so I am still obligated to keep my promise. I’m still bound to him… forever. I’m bound to his thoughts and memories… and even if I want to break my promise… I cannot… maybe because I’ve forgotten what it’s like not to be thinking of him all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... each day i live and die a little, break a little... I love a little more.
Maybe I just don’t remember what it was to feel like I was free… maybe this captivity is my happy place after all. Maybe it’s the shock that comes to me day and day over again… but I’m so used to it… that I can’t imagine life without it. And yet they tore it out. They tore out a whole chunk of my life from my past and expected me to be just fine. They expected me to remember what I am… what I was… just the way I was even when I’m expected to forget him. I’m expected to find myself when I don’t know those green eyes anymore. I’m expected to cut him out and forget the feeling I got when I dived into my happy place in his eyes… I’m supposed to feel safe within the walls of this world when the real protection has been gone for so long… so very long.
I’m expected to live with all the missing pieces… still missing. And I am supposed to know myself… all I believe of me now… is an old diary with the crux pulled out and torn to shreds… leaving behind an empty space… still waiting for its missing pieces… I’ll be waiting forever… and till my forever ends and I'm out of this world for good... I'll keep dying a little more, breaking a little more, aching a little more... loving a little more... each day that I live the life of a captive...
