Victim's name: inner child of a lady named Mellisa
Age: 16 years old
assaulter: BPD ( borderline personality disorder)
Type of writing: Letter
Victim's status: Ongoing
Victim's interests: Criminology, psychology, astrology
Victim's favorite song: Worldstar money by Joji
Victim's zodiac sign: Gemini
Victim's dream job: Writer
Time left in the battle: 90 days
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Dear Mel,
Screams, loud and impulsive thoughts ringing inside my head as I try to make sense of the chaos that had just happened inside of me. I am in a dark room, filled with my own thoughts, they approach me so closely, they scream so loudly that I almost felt deaf and what scares me the most is that nothing makes sense. I am lost in a place so deep that I don't even feel the light. I feel anger, rage and I want to wreck everything right now. I can also hear thousands of voices inside me begging me to stop, to wait and to calm down, but she is keeping up her pace and getting harder as it gets louder. Moments later, I find myself getting calmer by the second, I find myself available emotionally and physically to fix the cracks and stand up again, later on it hits and I collapse all over again. One day I am her, a victim of the childhood puzzles that she never seemed to crack, a code with numbers only found inside her head, and also lost inside her head. Other days, I'm happy and stable, the blooming flower open to every possibility yet to happen. Parts of me are everything and the opposite of it. I am black and white, right and left, day and night, lastly happy and sad. And I can't do anything about it.
The lost girl is so self destructive, wants to punish herself for everything she did and didn't do, wants to increase the pain and take it all, consume it inside of her body and release it on everyone and everything. I hear her words as they stab people I truly love, people I know that I would run desperately to asking for forgiveness, validation and so much more. As the words flow as waves out of my body, and as I try to stop them, I see the lost girl crying angrily, and hurting herself just because she doesn't want to feel like that, I see her but I can't seem to relate. I watch as she lets her guard down for everybody, I watch as she puts herself at the bottom of the list, I watch as my name never even makes it to the list sometimes. I feel trapped inside of her sometimes, but every time I scream for her to stop, it gives her motive to go on longer, to keep hurting me till she's done and my light almost ends.
This episode ends, and she's back to her normal behavior, and may I add she's not close to normal. She totally forgets the fact that she cracked almost everything around her, she goes on and she completes her day normally. She acts super productive, she heals her scars, she hugs herself, she apologizes for the things she said clamming that "I never really knew it would hurt this much." Despite, my screams, my voice and my existence. She runs desperately into their arms, asking for forgiveness, asking for validation and a second chance. She acts clingy and attached, almost afraid of abandonment. She acts okay and I never understood why someone so okay can collapse this cruelly, how can someone like me end up trapped into confusion, into the dark room. How can she give me life and suck it right out of me so quickly?
Episodes after episodes and I never understood myself, but she did. She understood that we are not crazy, we are just trapped into BPD "borderline personality disorder". It took me so much time to accept and reflect. I knew I was not crazy, I knew I was just traumatized and I finally accepted the existence of us all, the lost girl, the blooming flower and I, her inner child.
Sometimes I want to die, Sometimes I want to live and I have no reasons for either of these decisions. I am happy and grateful, miserable and sad, too much and so much, lastly, I am a Bpd Victim, because I made myself one. I can't say I am a survivor, I never really figured myself out, I try everyday to keep on living while ruining everything by choice and fixing it also by choice. I am trying to hold on longer to myself, I am not healing, and I am still self destructing every time I go through an episode, I still have scars, I still blame myself but I'm also still holding on. I'm still alive, present and breathing. I am still trying and even if I stopped one day, even if it got me, even if lost this battle, this will always be a living proof of how proud I am of the part that wants to stay. And also the part that wants to leave, because I can't blame me for feeling so much and nothing. Because until I leave, I still have the world to blame.
with love,
Your inner child.
YOU ARE READING
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