Loving You is Killing Me

Chapter 27 - Attitude

Loving You is Killing Me

Chapter 27

The phone was ringing when I got home. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone but I knew that my own thoughts would consume me if I didn’t distract myself.

“Hello?” I answered, trying to keep my voice cheery.

“Hey…”

It’s Adam.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

“No, listen. I’m the one that’s sorry. That’s why I called. I shouldn’t have blamed Sir Walter. I know how much you look up to him. I just needed to let my anger out somehow. You don’t deserve that…”

“I’m sorry, Adam. I understand. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

“It’s more than that. Leighton, it’s my fault. I saw him. I knew he was taking drugs. Awhile ago I figured it out. I knew that something was wrong and I didn’t do anything! I thought he would get better… I thought it was just a phase… But I was so stupid! How could I have just kept quiet about that?”

I took a deep breath, not knowing at all what to say.

“I blamed Sir Walter because it was the easiest thing for me. I did it because I couldn’t admit it… I couldn’t admit that it was my fault.” He was out of breath.

“It’s not your fault. Adam, it wasn’t your fault.”

He didn’t say anything after that but I could hear him breathing so I didn’t hang up. I just kept repeating it over and over again hoping that the guilt would make its way out of him.

“It’s not your fault.”

---

All of us were dressed in black mourning the loss of our friend. The funeral was small, sure, but the atmosphere was just right for the occasion. Serene.

Everything was fine up until Shane’s mother began her speech.

“I knew of Shane’s addictions to cocaine. I even confronted him about it a couple of times. He always promised me that we would quit. I love him. I love him so much that I believed anything that came out of his mouth. That is my biggest regret. That is why I will be spending the rest of my life helping mothers like me keep their children stay drug free. I have not forgiven myself for letting Shane down but I hope that by doing good someday I will.” She paused carefully, “Many of his ‘friends’ are missing today but his real friends showed up to honor him. Even though he has made many mistakes I think we can all agree that he was immensely lucky to have all of you in his life.”

We were all in tears. Adam and I were clinging to each other, our faces pruning from all of the crying. Everyone was crying for him but that wasn’t the case for me. As terrible as it may sound, I was crying for my friends. For his mom. There was something so empty and heartbreaking about her expression. I was crying for their pain. I was upset with Shane. I was upset that he was causing everyone so much anguish. Maybe this wasn’t fair because he isn’t alive anymore. Maybe he had nothing to do with it. I just know that in that moment, that’s how I felt.

---

There was a certain dampness on the days that followed but we did what we had to do. We moved on. The holidays were coming up and I wanted to make sure that Sir Walter didn’t need anything from me. I also wanted to wish him happy holidays.

As soon as I walked into his office, he tackled me. I really wasn’t in the mood. I tried to smile but my lips felt heavy and the corners refused to turn upwards.

Sir Walter examined my expression and then hovered around me.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“A friend of mine... He- he died.” Although I hadn’t cried since the funeral, I choked up every time I said it out loud.

He froze. “What?”

“Yes, he had an overdose…” I mumbled.

“I heard about that. I’m sorry. I wish that kids could see how terrible drugs can be.”

There was something rehearsed about the way he said it but I decided to ignore it. It had been on the news after all. Maybe he knew right when I walked in the door but was waiting for me to say it.

“It’s okay.”

“Oh, I know just what will cheer you up!” He said suddenly, going into a closet.

He came out holding about a million gadgets. I finally was able to smile at his attempt to cheer me up. He showed me how each one worked until he stumbled upon one of them that was missing a microphone.

“Wait right here, I’ll go get the microphone in my classroom.” He did a goofy little dance and then walked out.

Smiling was getting to be a lot easier.

I fiddled with one of the gadgets that had a camera and a microphone. They were so small. That’s when the idea came to me. I smirked as I hid it on top of his bookcase. Whenever I was feeling down I could just tune in to Sir Walter’s office and have a laugh. I was sure that he would get a kick out of it.

Right when my bottom hit the chair, Sir Walter was back. He handed me the microphone, oblivious to my previous activities.

“Goodbye, Leighton. Don’t worry about me over the holidays. Just try to have a good time.”He winked.

“Thanks Sir Walter. You made me feel a lot better. Happy holidays!” With a final wave, I got out of his office and walked back to my apartment.

I made an important decision. From now on, no more droopy Leighton. I wasn’t going to waste any more time feeling sorry for my friends. I was going to try my hardest to be cheerful. Sir Walter inspired me to make them laugh again.

_____________________

Author's note:

haha :) what do you think is going to happen? how do you feel about Shane's death? Are you mad at him, like leighton is?