Heather ✔️

l'après

HARVARD CONFESSIONS :

(Just send in your confessions and we'll post them!!)

I peel oranges neatly.
The sections come apart cleanly, perfectly in my hands.

When Emily peels an orange, she tears holes in it.
Juice squirts in all directions.

"Kate," she says, "I don't know how you do it!"

Emily is my best friend.
I hope she never learns how to peel oranges.
-jean little

I've always wondered how would it feel to disappear from the face of the earth, start a new life in an unknown place, somewhere no one knows your past and you're just another number in the crowd. I'm sure most of us have fantasized about that.

How would it feel to live in a place where no one knows your name? I've thought about it a lot. Would it be too lonely or would you call that freedom? I've found out that loneliness and freedom aren't mutually exclusive. One can exist with the other.
Take this with a grain of salt because these are the ramblings of a drunk 20 year old but yeah.. as I was saying I've realised that you can be lonely and free. Some people find love to be stifling, I'm people. Yup. But what is life without love? Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been if the only person I thought I loved had loved me back. I guess we'll never know.. Anyway don't feel bad for me! I love my roomates , I love them a lot.. I love my friends , I love my mom , heck I even love Mrs. Patel.. her samosas are the best in New York!!!!!!! (bold claim but yeah it's true) so well I love, I love and I love.
But I've also come to realised that just because you're good at loving doesn't necessarily mean you're good at recieving it.

I've been learning to be loved , my friends say I'm not really good at it but I'm learning. When I first started therapy back in my first year , my therapist confronted about this whole 'i love but I don't want to be loved' thing. She and I came up with this analogy , that love for me is a watermelon and I share it with everyone, I give the best parts to everyone. But no one likes the watermelon seeds so I keep them for myself, people love the way I love. Because , honestly , everyone wants to be loved and everyone wants the best parts of it.. but keeping the unwanted parts for yourself isn't fun for you. Keeping the seeds for yourself only makes you carry the burden of giving new watermelons to everyone else. I don't know if y'all get what I mean but yeah..

Anyway now , I'm learning to be loved just the way I love. And I'm learning to love like I've been loved. If love is a watermelon, I share it, I share it with everyone , with the seeds of course. If love is a watermelon, I'm eating it under the sun, on a picnic blanket with the people I love and we spit the seeds out together. If love is a watermelon, I'll have a slice of it and I'll give everyone else a slice too.

I went off tangent for a bit anyway, sorry about that. But yeah, my live's been great.

As I was saying, love and loneliness aren't mutually exclusive. Nor is freedom and love.

When I first came here, I thought I would just be a number in the crowd, I was for a little while and that was freeing. To be whatever you wanted to be without any repercussions. But that's also when I realised , I love to love. I wanted to love, not just the people around me but also the places I went to. And I couldn't do all that if I continued to be a number in the crowd.

So I became a face, a name, a place. I found a place, a name and eventually home. I found people to love and places to love. I've been loving. And I'm learning to be loved. And that's been amazing.

You must be wondering why this drunk asswipe started this shitty post with a poem about oranges and then proceeded to talk about watermelons.. anyway what I wanted to say was, I had my own Emily once and I was his Kate. I peeled his oranges. He never learnt to peel them because I was there to peel it for him.