01. The secret government plan to ruin teenager's lives

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I'm going to tell you a secret. A really big secret. A really, really big secret. But I'm only going to tell you if you don't tell anybody else, Okay?

I've long suspected it, but by now I am sure that in delivery units in hospitals across the country, there is stationed a secret government organization. Its agents move freely around the maternity units and place signs with the word 'NERD' printed in capital letters around the necks of completely innocent babies.

The signs are deviously designed: they become invisible soon after they have been placed and only reappear at puberty, to make the lives of millions teenagers miserable. I have no clue why the government does this. Perhaps it is a scientific project to create the next Bill Gates and make sure that America always stays at the top of the top ten of scientific countries. Perhaps the CIA just gets a laugh out of it. I really don't care.

What I want to know is: hey, why the hell didn't I get a sign?

Why do you look so surprised? At least, nerds have somebody to identify with, something to look forward to. While the Jocks and Cheerleaders do their best to humiliate them during school years, they can secretly laugh to themselves and think: 'Just you wait until my online company makes me millions! Then I'll buy the mortgage on your house, buy the football team you plan to play for, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life washing my Ferrari. And perhaps you'll get to lick my boots clean, too.'

It seems highly unlikely that I will ever have such joyous prospects before me. While being a nerd sucks sometimes, at least when you are a nerd, you know what you are, and you know what you're gonna be some day.

Me on the other hand... what would you call a fourteen year old imp of girl (4 feet 2 inches! I can't believe it! I'm still under 5 feet!) who likes Mafia and Western movies, dreams of dancing ballet and whose favorite subject is social studies? Yea, that's right, social studies. Why don't I just drop out of school and start earning my living by clipping toenails for old people?

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