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20. No Matter What

Start from the beginning

I slowly walked towards the classroom, took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. I shouldn't be that nervous. Adam's attention was immediately on me. I closed the door behind me and walked a few more steps towards him, our eyes locked.

"Hey." I said, it was nearly a whisper.

"Hey." He replied, even more quietly.

"Are you ... um ... okay?" I asked and frowned when he shrugged.

"I don't know." He sighed. "I'm glad you're here. Sorry for not talking to you and literally ignoring you. I just had to make everything clearer for me."

"It's okay, Adam. I kind of already guessed that this was the case."

Adam nodded. "And how are you?"

"Alright, I guess. I mean..." I said and shrugged as well.

"Yeah. I know." He took a deep breath. "Sauli..." he started and swallowed the lump in his throat. "After kind of cleaning my head in the past days ... I finally realized something." He got up and stood in front of me.

"Yes?" I asked and frowned again.

"Our relationship..." he took a deep breath and I widened my eyes. "...I realized it ... it was a ... mistake to even try it."

I did nothing but stared at him, pressing my lips together in a straight line.

"I mean it kind of was supposed to happen that someone would find out don't you think?" He said and his voice was shaking.

"So..." I breathed out.

"So I think we should go back where we started." We had eye contact throughout the whole time he was speaking. "Back to being nothing but teacher and student."

At that was the moment when I felt my eyes watering.

"Y-you can't be serious." I stuttered. "You just can't. Are you saying this because of Michael? He won't tell anyone, he..." I started but he interrupted me.

"I'm not saying this because of him. He just helped me realize that."

"That's bullshit, come on." I said and rolled my eyes. This wasn't happening. This couldn't happen. "Adam, we can't just go back."

"That's the only..."

"No. Just no." I interrupted him. "Listen. We made it work once, we can do it again." I said and took his hands with mine. "I know this is really tough right now with Michael knowing and kind of blackmailing you but we can make it work. If we both want it, we can."

"Well maybe I don't want it." He said and I felt like my blood was boiling. I always loved how honest Adam was, he always says what he wants to say, but I wish he wouldn't have said that particular sentence. I felt like passing out, I think my cheeks turned red but I obviously wasn't blushing. I tried so hard not to break down and cry, I just couldn't believe what he just said.

"But you..I mean..we.. you love me, don't you?" I said barely audible, I just wasn't able to form proper words or sentences.

Adam looked down, pressing his lips together. "I loved the idea of not being alone." He answered and looked up again. "That's it."

I put my right hand on my mouth, trying to hold all of the screams and cries inside of me. "You are lying." I said instead, but my hand was still on my mouth while my eyes formed big tears now, which started to roll down my cheeks. "Say that you're lying."

"I'm sorry." He shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat. It seemed like his eyes were watering too. "It's what's best for you too, Sauli."

"I don't care 'What's best for me'!" I yelled and removed my hand from my mouth. "And unlike you I meant what I said when I told you that I loved you." I said and my voice was shaking. This wasn't happening. This just couldn't happen. "I wish I wouldn't have come here." I said. It was better when he kind of ignored me. Everything would be better than him breaking up with me.

"Please don't make this even harder for me." He frowned and it was visible that he was fighting back tears as well.

"We shouldn't have this whole conversation now." I said and shook my head. "The l-last months meant n-nothing to you, did they?" I stuttered after a short break.

"It was great..." He started. "I mean..."

 I shook my head, stopping him from ending his sentence. "I see."

Adam took a deep breath and looked down once more. "I'm so sorry."

"I just really don't understand it." I said, trying to calm down.

"Me neither." He answered and I frowned. "You'll get over it though ... Mr. Koskinen." He said, the last part barely audible. And it broke my heart to hear this.

I looked at him and it was like I didn't know him. He changed so much within the last days. How could one thing change his whole mind? I wasn't even sure if I should believe him when he said he didn't love me. But why would he say it if he did? My mind was a mess and I think I was the one now who could need a few days off.

"I will never get over you." I said, staring at him for a few seconds, taking a deep breath and then turning around, on my way to the door. I just needed to get out of this classroom. There were still so many things to say but I just couldn't do that right now. I needed to be alone. School wasn't over yet but I had to leave this hell of a building. Thank god it was Friday, I couldn't manage to see him on the next day. I left the school and made my way home as fast as I could by driving my car. I couldn't even really concentrate on the street ahead of me but I still got home safely.

My parents weren't at home. Thank god. Their curiosity and questions was the last thing I could have needed in that moment. I ran upstairs into my room and locked the door, trying to avoid that all the memories followed me inside. Which sounded weird but I wasn't able to think straight and this sounded quite possible for me in that moment.

I looked around my room. I actually calmed down for a second. But that was definitely just the calm before the storm. When I slowly walked towards my bed and l laid down into the sheets with my face pressed against my pillow I finally let it all out.

I screamed and cried with everything I had.

It's stupid to cry over a relationship but I couldn't change it. I was always alone in school and in general, I never had any friends. I was always the one no one wanted to talk to or hang out with. And I always wanted to feel special for someone and I wanted to feel chosen and loved. And when I met Adam I finally felt appreciated. For the first time ever.

What I realized in that moment is that it's easy to go from nothing to everything, but hard to go from everything to nothing.

And it was even worse, because Adam was more than everything to me. And no matter what he said to me that day would change this fact even in the slightest. I still loved him with all my heart, no matter what.


A/N: Hey x) Don't kill me! I can't update when I'm dead. I still love you all even though I know you all hate me now x) And I thought after such a chapter there had to be something positive. So I wanted to thank you all so much for reading this. It really means the world to me. Every comment, every like makes my day so much brighter. I know I'm sometimes a shitty updater and sometimes my chapters aren't the best but I still love you all for still being there and reading everything. Oh and what I also wanted to say is that my english is not the best like you probably already noticed. I'm from Germany and blah blah blah nobody is even reading this so yeah haha. In fact, thanks for reading. Love you all. <3 Ps. Seriously. Don't kill me. :D

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