20. No Matter What

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CHAPTER TWENTY


Sauli:

„Adam?" I asked, standing right behind him. No one had arrived yet even though the break was over already.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and his voice was shaking. He stood there still, did not one single movement. He seemed like he was frozen and glued to the ground. "I screwed up." He added after a short break.

"It's not your fault." I answered and shook my head. "It's-"

"Of course it is. I started and didn't stop even though I knew it was risky." Adam interrupted me and turned around, looking right at me and driving one of his hands through his hair.

And before I could say anything else some of the students arrived already so I kept my mouth shut. I looked at Adam who had nothing but emptiness in his eyes, walking over to his desk without saying another word either.

How awkward. But what did I expect?

I just hoped that Michael would really keep this as a secret. But I knew that Adam wouldn't change his grade just because he asked him to. But that meant that he would tell everybody so he would lose his job either way. If the principal would find out he changed his grade Adam would be fired, and if anyone would find out that I'm his boyfriend, he would be fired as well. And everything was my fault.

I wondered if Adam regretted being with me. I am the reason he risked his job every day and now more than ever.

I walked towards my seat and sat down, staring at the empty desk in front of me.

Adam tried to be as professional as possible the whole lesson and he managed to do that quite well. I don't think anyone noticed that something was wrong with him. Anyone but me. I mean of course I did. Not only because I knew what was wrong but because I was the reason for all of it.

Do I wish none of this would have ever happened? That we never fell in love?

Yes.

In that moment I did.

All of the time I did nothing but concentrated on my own well-being and never actually realized that he would be the one who would be screwed when someone would ever find out about us. He would get in trouble since he is supposed to be the 'adult'. And I didn't really realize that until someone actually found out about it. His career was one of the most important things in his life and I can't believe that I totally forgot about that. All I did was thinking about myself.

And now it was too late.

But I knew we would go through this together, right? I mean we managed so many things already. And even though that was going to be the toughest one, we could make it. We both still wanted it so we would both make it work.

Right?

Right.

We had to be optimistic now. And even though it was hard to see anything positive in that situation, we still had to try it. I was pretty sure we could solve this problem. And after that nothing could ever tear us apart again. Nothing.

As cheesy as it sounds, I was so convinced.

A few days had passed and I didn't talk to Adam ever since the day Michael saw us. Not even after school. I mean at the beginning I thought it would be good to give him some time to sort things out in his head since there must've been such a mess, but now, after almost a week of not even talking to me, I started to get worried. So I planned on talking to him when it was lunch break. I would just ask if he's okay. That wouldn't do harm, even if he was still in the mood of being alone, right?

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