love letters- jess mariano

23. the 1

dear sabrina,
i felt it would be easier to get my words across through writing, since i have a lot i need to say and i don't know how i would have done it in person.

i am moving back to new york with my mom. i am planning on get a job or something and seeing where things take me.

i am sorry things have ended like this and we are no longer together and if i am honest i deeply regret the break up, everything about it. i wish we could have fixed things. i felt like i was a better person when i was with you and i am gonna miss that. i love you, sabrina.

please whatever you do, do not come and look for me. i beg for you not to. i don't want to see you.

you need to go on without me, sabrina. go to college, get whatever job you want; i know you will go far. don't let me drag you down.

jess.

after i read his letter i was in shock. i brought it close to my chest and just sat in complete silence. i was uncertain what i was feeling. there was about fifty different emotions running through my head; anger, sadness, confusion, pure shock etc. one thing that i definitely didn't have was closure. this made everything worse.

who was he to think he could write this letter after leaving telling me he still loved me and i made him a better person and then saying that he doesn't want to see me. what the fuck is that? i was beyond angry now.

i threw the box to the side of my bed causing it to rattle from the other items left in there.

my curiosity grew, so i picked the box back up and looked inside.

there was the bus ticket from that rainy night we met, the lighter from the first time we went to our spot even though i had stopped that awful habit, one of my stupid crystal hair clips from the night on the sleigh, almost famous dvd, an old serviette from the day we got ice cream and crashed on my birthday, there was a small keyring with 't birds' engraved onto it from halloween and lastly the mix tape we danced to the same night we broke up.

i held the mix tape in my hand and looked up trying to hold the tears back. i didn't want to cry over this. this one guy had made me cry more than i ever have in my entire life. this was supposed to be closure. why wasn't i feeling closure?

i shook my head and put it all down beside me deciding what i do next? i felt like a part of me had just been taken away and i could never get it back. i didn't know what to do. i felt like i couldn't do anything.

i was still sat on my bed when my mom walked into my room with the laundry basket full of my clean clothes. she stood in the doorway and saw me sat on my bed looking aimlessly out of the window.

it was when i saw her reflection that i turned around and looked at her, "jess left." i spoke, as i watched her mouth part and her eyes soften.

"i'm so sorry, honey." she softly sympathised, before placing the basket down and hugging me.

i didn't allow myself to cry this time. i tried my absolute hardest to just remain calm. i knew i would make myself worse if i got all upset about it.

i explained to her how i felt no closure and what he had wrote in the letter. she suggested that i wrote one back to him, "tell him how that made you feel reading that." she said, as i nodded a long.

i stood up and walked to my desk and pulled out my notepad and my smoothest pen as i attempted to piece together this letter.

-

finally after sat trying to figure out how to word the letter, it all had came together and i got my emotions across in the best way i possibly could.

dear jess,

i am writing you this letter, because i need you to know how i really feel. your letter gave me no closure whatsoever. in fact, it almost made me feel worse. i do not know who you think you are. i mean, how can you tell me that you wished we were back together and tell me you still love me, give me all these sentimental gifts, but tell me that you don't want to see me again. what the fuck is that jess?

i sat for a good couple hours thinking about the letter and how you've made me feel and then once i decided to write my own to you, i ended up sitting for a further hour trying to work out what to write.

i am so angry. the most angry i've been. so angry that i think i might actually hate you. in fact, i could probably list ten things i hate about you.

for starters, i hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. god, i hate the way you drive my car, i hate it when you do that stare. i hate your stupid combat boots and the way you read my mind. i hate you so much it makes me sick.

i hate the way you're always right. i hate it when you lie. i hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

i hate it when you're not around and the fact you just left, but mostly i hate the fact that i don't hate you. not even close. not even a little bit. not even at all.

my problem is that, i'm so angry at you right now and i want to hate you so bad. i feel like hating you, but i physically cannot, jess.

i already missed having you with me everyday and now the fact i won't ever see you hurts like a fucking bitch.

so actually i do not want to see you either. mostly because i don't know what i would do if i saw you again. i cannot trust myself.

of course i still love you, but for now it's just not meant to be.

one last thing, please do not put yourself down. you are so incredibly smart and you have so much potential. don't waste it, just because you don't believe in yourself. you can go places, jess. trust me.

all the best,
sabrina.

-

weeks and months went by and i heard nothing from jess. he never responded to me after i sent that letter. i did tell him that i didn't want to see him either and he wasn't the type to beg for you back.

the question was, how i was doing? well, i was holding up better than i thought i would. my mom was right. me sending that letter was closure. i could finally just move on and be happy with where things were going.

i was sat at the table with both my mom and dad. we were laughing and sharing stories together like how we used to.

"i'll get it." i smiled, as the phone began ringing. "hey grandma." i answered. "yeah, us three will be there. my mom, dad and i." i smiled as she asked who would be joining for dinner. "see you later."

of course i was still in love with jess and i don't see myself falling out of love with anytime soon, but i know and i can accept that this is finally the end of mine and jess' chapter.