the last time

part twenty three

And now my dreams are so close that I don't want to risk a move if it's not for my career. I'm aware of how selfish that sounds in my head but I can't afford a misstep. The movie with Stefan is months away and that seems to be my only job so far. Lexi is still looking over scripts for me that Laurie sent her as part of my PR contract but that doesn't mean I get to relax.

We've also been looking into roles on our own, sending my headshots everywhere we can. It's been a while since I've gotten an audition which makes me nervous. I don't work as a waitress anymore so acting is supposed to be my main focus. Yet with everything that happened with my family and my recent boost of fame because of Harry, I haven't been focusing on it.

I realized that when we were arguing. I put everything on hold because of my rough patch but I have to put my effort back in. I need to know that I am good enough to still act without Harry's help. If I move to LA with him for no other reason than to follow him, I'd feel like I'd be giving up on what I always wanted. I'd be standing on the sidelines watching Harry become an actor wishing I could also be in front of a camera with a good script memorized. I love him, but I can't give up everything.

"No." I shake my head. "Can I get you something to drink?"

He shakes his head, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "No, thank you. I came by to talk to you about something, but you don't look well. Are you alright, Ro?"

"Yes." I lie, smiling.

Ryan watches me. He doesn't say a word just stares at me. I feel the burning sensation of the tears once more and I clench my fists to try and control my emotions. He narrows his eyes just slightly and it's like a dam just burst inside me. I press the heal of my hands into my eye sockets and take a fortifying breath. I feel my body tremble and I am so fucking sad.

Suddenly, two strong arms engulf me and I freeze. Just for a second before I wrap my arms around Ryan and bury my face in his chest. He soothes my back as I cry. My tears soak his jacket but he doesn't budge. He holds me and I feel....validated. I haven't told him anything but I feel it.

Once I am calm again, we pull apart and he leads me to the couch. I tell him about the fight with Harry and how I felt. How I feel now. I tell him about the radio silence these past few days and how I feel about moving to LA solely for Harry. I almost tell him about the PR deal but I stop myself before I can. Ryan just sits and listens. His face full of concentration and patience.

Something inside me warms me at his expression. I feel like something I had been missing in my life is suddenly being filled up. I feel okay for the first time in a while. Ryan waits until I finish talking before he speaks up. His tone cautious and soft.

"What's so bad about LA?" He asks, an eyebrow raised, yet an impartial expression on his face.

I shrug, "Nothing, but I-"

I pause, not sure if I should say how I actually feel about the situation. I don't want Ryan to think wrongly of me and my next words might do just that.

"But you?"

I bury my face in my hands and groan. "This is going to sound bad, but, what do i have in LA?"

"Harry." he says, as if the answer is that simple.

"He's not enough." I say, my voice low and full of embarrassment. I close my eyes and feel the tears prickle once more. "I would be putting my career on pause if I followed him to la. I have to job with Stefan, but that's not until October and i want to fill that time with auditions and callbacks. I know how lame that sounds but I don't have anything in LA. I'd essentially be starting over in a whole new pool of people. I'm barely getting my footing here. How-how do I just leave this?"